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Real quick not a lot of thought needs work. kw HUNGER'S NEED AND THEATER OF CRUELTY (February 1968) I'd been warned and warned twice "Don't shit where you eat" in this context known as Do Not Date Women At Work because it can only end badly and yet Madeleine, friend of a friend, a set-up for two lonely people, was sweet and cute, just substantial enough, and I told myself I wanted her as much as I really wanted her so I asked her out and she said yes so we were together twice the first time at a club in the Village where the guy who wrote "Eve of Destruction" sang much better than that shitty song and he also sang a love song called "Elizabeth" that I remember to this day because it hurt to hear for I'd just broken up with someone special and I was ripe for more hurt unready to receive what might be offered unprepared unknowingly primed to give what I'd received, but it all coalesced soon enough and the second date was where she lived, Maddie's grandparents' aparment (of course it didn't occur to me to ask why) and it was mostly me working to get her clothing off to rest--really rest--with her breast in my mouth almost too tired at that moment to think of going any further a transsexual Dido from Purcell "Oh thy bosom let me rest," and so I stopped, me a failure in the age of Love The One You're With because love really is not free, it is a grace and rarity that will cost you big and I didn't love Madeleine she was nice and all but who cared really it was all too involving because she did not make it a challenge and because I was still getting over that girl I thought I loved who'd hurt me as I hurt her, miserably, for months before it ended, and I realized as I was almost able to enter Madeleine that I really didn't want to be with anyone I wanted only to be left the fuck alone with my terpin hydrate, marijuana, and my kitten just to get away from myself and I stood at the door and said "Don't count on me, go on with this, I am no good for you" some shitty Mac Davis song, and turned and left to leave her standing aghast and I am sure hating me for at least an hour thereafter. It took me years for my conscience to catch up dismissive awfulness. Oh well. Too late to fix it but not too late to repine over what can't be fixed: the definition of jerking off. To this day, Maddie, I am truly sorry. I feel the same now as then: it was hopeless hope and I was at least lucky to see it if the cruelty was a bit much to handle. I guess that defines Shit Happens even if you're not. KTW/4-29-07 -- ------------------ Ken Wolman rainermaria.typepad.com "It takes a big man to cry. It takes a really big man to laugh at that man."