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Makes me want to read the whole poem... 'that last room' -----Original Message----- From: Poetryetc provides a venue for a dialogue relating to poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Judy Prince Sent: Friday, 2 February 2007 6:26 AM To: [log in to unmask] Subject: Re: Reprieving Isaac (was Off Marrickville Road) Cindy, especially piquant images in 1st stanza. could you kill the 2 "will"s? what are your feelings about the person? I kept getting a seesaw of emotion and believe that a clear path of your response(s) to her is crucial. best, Judy ---- Cindy Lee <[log in to unmask]> wrote: ..... > Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written last year which I'm currently revising: > > (Later, in that last room, > > where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company, > > I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink, > > lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring > > a loose halo about the bone. > > > > These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air, > > that laughter at the affront of your coolly > > godless self > > will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to > > snap that bone for safe-keeping.) > > > > As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments, however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right' word, but I don't know what is. > > Cindy > > ============================================================================== The information contained in this email and any attachment is confidential and may contain legally privileged or copyright material. It is intended only for the use of the addressee(s). If you are not the intended recipient of this email, you are not permitted to disseminate, distribute or copy this email or any attachments. If you have received this message in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete this email from your system. The ABC does not represent or warrant that this transmission is secure or virus free. Before opening any attachment you should check for viruses. The ABC's liability is limited to resupplying any email and attachments ==============================================================================