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I was referring to all the full-stops. the poem is composed of a string of short phrases or even individual words, which gives it a restless, unattached tone I dislike. by a 'shake' I mean giving the poem a livelier form, more continuity & sentences. :) KS On 23/12/06, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > Thanks Jon & Kasper for your comments on both my poems. > > Jon says > > This is gorgeous. It's the sort of poem that I don't worry about not > > understanding. > > Me neither. But I've analysed it a bit and thought of various > interpretations! The first stanza came to me in that state > where you're nearly asleep. I had to wake myself up to write it down. > > > Maybe "carve" in line last-1 should come first in the sentence to make > it > > clearer it's an imperative -- I thought at first it was a misprint for > > carved. Think it makes the rhythm better too. > > as in "Carve in the stone, among the graffiti"? Maybe. I think it > reads better as it is though, and the whole poem is imperative: > "Listen" "Remember" "Weep" "Let your petals fall" > > Kasper says > > though the > > stoppering progression seems to serve a sort of symbolistic purpose, it > nags > > me no end. in my opinion this would be better if it were given a shake. > > I'm not sure what you mean by "stoppering progression". > Do you mean all the enjambments, especially in the third stanza? > It's an effect I like to use to emphasise certain words (yes, sometimes > for their symbolism), and to mess with the rhythms and sound-echoes. > And in this poem I'm trying to make the reader slow down and really > experience the words. > > Maybe you're looking for something like > > Roof of sunleaves, walls of stone, > ivy on walls of stone. Trees. > Humus on steps of stone. Bright graffiti. > Flower bravely, let your petals fall on it. > > which is closer to its original form. > Hmm. > > Janet > ------------------------------------------------------- > Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> > Poems at Proximity: > http://www.proximity.webhop.net > > You cannot love alone > ------------------------------------------------------- >