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Kasper, I'm with Andrew here. The poem moves according to ear and breath and sense, and my only quibble is with the lineation of the first stanza. "How something we do / not understand binds this universe.." Set out like this, it misled me into thinking it was about "something we do" rather than "something we do / not understand". I realised once I read to the 3rd line, but could have done without the jolt of temporary misunderstanding! But I do think the poem's an extraordinarily subtle expression of something we've surely all felt. Thanks, Sharon. joanna ----- Original Message ----- From: "kasper salonen" <[log in to unmask]> To: <[log in to unmask]> Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2006 11:05 PM Subject: Re: early snap > yes seems we do disagree Andrew.. for example this stanza is very jarring > for me to read: > > "...we may use to climb, or tie, or hang > ourselves. Or others. How my brother, > finally, released my hand, and died. > This snow will, soon, > > release itself into air." > > they're 100% sticks to me. but I suppose taste is taste, or we could all > academi-ize ourselves into the realm of Good Poetry. :) > > KS > > On 13/12/06, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: >> >> Kasper - I disagree about the commas. They pace the poem with a gentle >> introspection, like brushes on a snare drum instead of sticks. >> >> Andrew >> >> >> On 13/12/06, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote: >> > >> > this is very good in that it muses & rambles philosophically, but >> doesn't >> > get stuck in all the common goo. some good little insights here, & >> images. >> > but technically the poem is a bit of a mess; if at least half of those >> > commas were eradicated, this would be even better. the rhythm jumbles >> this >> > unnecessarily at the moment. >> > >> > KS >> > >> >