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----- Original Message ----- From: "Gabriel Gudding" <[log in to unmask]> To: <[log in to unmask]> Sent: Thursday, November 07, 2002 10:04 PM Subject: cat viewed from behind > I have given many pills to cats rectally. No one who is thinking hard would > really consider giving a cat a pill orally. Any medicine thought necessary > to put in a cat's mouth can just as easily go in the other end. The anus of > a cat is generally the perfect size for a pill. What's more, anything that > goes in that way is very difficult to take out. Not even the cat can get > something out of there once it's been put in. Here is a map you might need > to locate your cat's anus: > > > I I I I > -I- /_ > -I- / > ---- -- - _ > / \ > I * I > I I I I > I I I I > I I I I > I I I I > > > > > > > How To Give A Cat A Pill > > > > > > > > > 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a > > > baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth > >and > > > gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat > >opens > > > mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. > > > > > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left > >arm > > > and repeat process. > > > > > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > > > > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws > > > tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth > >with > > > right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. > > > > > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call > >spouse > > > from garden. > > > > > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and > >rear > > > paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head > >firmly > > > with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler > >and > > > rub cat's throat vigorously. > > > > > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make > >note > > > to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines > >from > > > hearth and set to one side for gluing later. > > > > > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just > > > visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, > >force > > > cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. > > > > > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of > >water to > > > take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from > > > carpet with cold water and soap. > > > > > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in > >cupboard > > > and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with > >dessert > > > spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. > > > > > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold > > > compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw > > > T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. > > > > > > 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize > >to > > > neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last > >pill > > > from foil wrap. > > > > > > 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly > >to leg > > > of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's > >mouth > > > open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of > >fillet > > > steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash > >pill > > > down. > > > > > > 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor > > > stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. > >Stop by > > > furniture shop on way home to order new table. > > > > > > 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they > >have > > > any hamsters. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Douglas Clark, Bath, England mailto: [log in to unmask] > > > Lynx: Poetry from Bath .......... > >http://www.bath.ac.uk/~exxdgdc/lynx.html > > > > > Gabriel Gudding > Assistant Professor > Department of English > Illinois State University > Normal, IL 61790 > office 309.438.5284 > home 309.828.8377 > > http://www.pitt.edu/~press/2002/gudding.html >