Where did you get that from?
-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff Green <[log in to unmask]>
To: gp-uk <[log in to unmask]>
Date: 06 May 1998 19:03
Subject: Chemists (the other sort)


Thought that you might enjoy this.

The following is one of Dr. Schalmbaughs Final Test
questions for May
1997. (Dr. Schalmbaugh, University of Oklahoma School of
Chemical
Engineering, is known for asking questions such as this on
his final
exams.) May 1997, Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II

Final Exam Question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your
answer with truth.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyles
Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have
some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So,
at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls
entering hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one
of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth
and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell
to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
in volume in
hell. Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure
in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and
volume
needs to stay constant.
Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell
will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls
in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
hell freezes
over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Theresa
Banyan during my freshman year, ‘It will be a cold night in
hell before I
sleep with you’ - and take into account the fact that I
still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Case 2
cannot be
true. Thus, hell is exothermic.
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

I should say that answer is a very good example of specious
casuistry. My
view is that 3D laws of science (such as Boyle's law) do not
necessarily
apply where d>4 (d=dimensions). Furthermore, it is extremely
ill-advised to
extrapolate from subjective judgements made by women -
whether or not they
are exothermic (ie. 'on heat'). The same might be said of
religious
fanatics. Quite clearly if hell exists, so does God. If God
exists, then at
least one religion probably has some adherents who do not go
to Hell, and as
God is love and forgives all, there must be every chance of
getting out
sooner or later (not that it's relevant to the question).
More to the
point, as God is love and light, light is energy and mass is
energy (E=mc2)
then any mass or energy that exists is in fact God. On the
basis (premise)
that Hell is a relative or apparent absence of God (although
any energy in
it must derive from God however distantly), Hell is by
definition
endothermic and bloody cold (in relative terms). So Tim is
clearly
rationalising, and has obviously not been working hard
enough at getting
Theresa to come across.

Regards

Jeff

Jeff Green
-Community Locum and Consultant Pharmacist-
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