Thanks for this Douglas -- to cackle at this in Thatcham, where the nearest
thing to postmodernism is Diana memorial stamps, is a treat. Enjoy, all:

(Keston)


-------------Forwarded Message-----------------

From: Douglas Rothschild, INTERNET:[log in to unmask]
To: , GMSutherland


here is something a friend sent me, i found it funny. send to the uber & sub
lists if you have not seen it on them yet.

i have no idea who wrote it.


     
** Confidential **
     
JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today! Recently, the
University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning
declaration that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism
means. "It would be nice to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't exactly an
idea;
it's a word that pretends to stand for an idea." This shocking admission
that there is no such thing as postmodernism has produced a firestorm
of protest around the country. Thousands of authors, critics and
graduate students who'd considered themselves postmodernists are
outraged at the betrayal. Today we have with us a writer-a recovering
postmodernist-who believes that his literary career and personal life
have been irreparably damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded
by the academics who promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous,
so we'll call him "Alex."
     
JENNY JONES TO ALEX: Alex, as an adolescent, before you began
experimenting with postmodernism, you considered yourself-what?
     
[Close shot of ALEX. An electronic blob obscures his face. Words
appear at bottom of screen: "Says he was traumatized by
postmodernism and blames academics."]
     
ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. Y'know, Pound,
 Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, Arnold Schoenberg, Mies van
der Rohe. I had all of Schoenberg's 78's.
     
JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like Jean-Francois
Lyotard and Jean Baudrillard-how did that change your feelings about
your modernist heroes?
     
ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling and canonical.
     
JENNY JONES: That is so sad, such a waste. How old were you when
you first read Fredric Jameson?
     
ALEX: Nine, I think. [The AUDIENCE gasps.] JENNY JONES: We have
some pictures of young Alex. ...[We see snapshots of 14-year-old ALEX
reading Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari's "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and
Schizophrenia." The AUDIENCE oohs and ahs.]
     
ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school-y'know, his
parents were never home-and we'd read, like, Paul Virilio and Julia
Kristeva.
     
JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical toward
the "grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning any belief system
that claims universality or transcendence. Why?
     
ALEX: I guess-to be cool. JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure? ALEX: I
guess. JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first
time you entertained the notion that you and your universe are
constituted by language-that reality is a cultural construct, a "text"
whose meaning is determined by infinite associations with other "texts"?
     
ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again.
     
[The AUDIENCE groans.]
     
JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time? ALEX: For
spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on an overpass.
     
JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage-right? ALEX: My
father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was a
neo-pre-Raphaelite.
     
JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage made
you more vulnerable to postmodernism?
     
ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to be able to just
come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, I'm an Imagist or I'm a
phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly abstractionist. It's really
hard-especially around the holidays. (He cries.)
     
JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist? ALEX:
Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist offshoot of
postmodernism.
     
JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that
postmodernism was essentially a hoax?
     
ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn albums
and the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed.
     
[We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her hands
covering her face.] JENNY JONES: And you were raising your daughter
as a postmodernist? ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this
particularly tragic. I mean, how do you explain to a 5-year-old that
self-consciously recycling cultural detritus is suddenly no longer a valid
art form?
     
JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your
career as a novelist.
     
ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real passion.
My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic. It was all
metastatic
irony, a pernicious banality palimpsest of media pastiche. I found
myself indiscriminately incorporating any and all kinds of pop kitsch and
shlock.
(He begins to weep again.)
     
JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life? ALEX: It
was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional intensity. I
couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own feelings as if they
were in quotes. I italicized everything and everyone. It became
impossible for me to appraise the quality of anything. To me everything
was equivalent-the Brandenburg Concertos and the Lysol jingle had the
same value.... (He breaks down, sobbing.)
     
JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you?
     
ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association.
     
JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning?
     
ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it,
academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory. If
we can unearth some intradepartmental memos-y'know, a paper trail-any
corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless cant at
the same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an excellent
shot.
     
JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a
woman.
     
WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry Scheck is
representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because Scheck is the
postmodern attorney par excellence. This is the guy who's made a
career of volatilizing truth in the simulacrum of exculpation!
     
VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl! WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who
came up with the quintessentially postmodern re-bleed defense for O.J.,
which claims that O.J. merely vigorously shook Ron and Nicole, thereby
re-aggravating pre-existing knife wounds. I'd just like to say to any
client of Barry-lose that zero and get a hero!
     
The AUDIENCE cheers wildly. [Dissolve to message on screen: If you
believe that mathematician Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's last
theorem has caused you or a member of your family to dress too
provocatively, call (800)555-9455.]
     


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