I have always thought (Ankcorns Night Visit Rule) that the length of time the patient takes to answer the door is inversely related to the seriousness of the problem.
This is illustrated by a recent case when I was working for good old Healthcall - a young pregnant lady had requested a visit because of heavy PV bleeding. On arrival at some ungodly hour of the morning, the lights were on but no reply there came from banging on the door.
Protocols were followed, local hospitals and 999 checked but no news of our patient.
I redoubled my efforts and woke up most of the rest of the street, still no reply.
After consultation with the police we decided to break in in case she was exsanguinating on the floor.
A large hairy copper and sidekick wpc arrived and battered sh*t out of the door with one of those side arm truncheon thingies. This caused more derogatory comments from the neighbours. Still no reply from our patient.
The LHC then decided that the door would have to give way. He took a five yard run up the front path and a gave hefty kick to the door panel, which didn't budge, but there were tinkling noises inside as items fell off shelves onto the hall floor.
He then took a ten yard run up the front path and hit the door really hard, the wpc and I were well impressed, more breakages inside the house, but the door only bent a bit.
The LHC then disappeared into the road and came hurtling up the garden path like Linford Christie just as the front door opened. He disappeared inside with a tremendous crash, a scream and a torrent of abuse followed from our patient, alleging damage to property, police brutality, assault, waking up her children etc etc. The patient told me in no uncertain terms that she did not wish to see a Dr any more and redoubled her abuse of the LHC on the hall floor. As my driver and I left we waved goodbye to the bedroom gallery of the rest of the street who had by now given up the idea of sleeping and were watching the show...
Chris Ankcorn...
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