ripped this off from someonw on usenet!

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer.  You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets.  Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop fucking you when youre dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure.  Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why wont sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
	A1: Take your foot off his head.
	A2: No.
	      Good!
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a crying shame? There was an empty seat.
How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Whats the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What can a goose do, a duck cant, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you cant understand.
What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? Ones a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the others just a fish.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesnt seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if youre caught stealing, youre out.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands werent met.
Why didnt the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didnt like the lawyer living downstairs.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? Ones slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury lawyers with sand.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
Why are lawyers great in bed? They get so much practice screwing people.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isnt that cannabalism?
Why do lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
Whats eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? The tie around a lawyers neck.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
Why does Califonia have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? Its called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldnt find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldnt decide which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
Why has the Baptist church quit baptizing lawyers? Because they cant get the ring out of the baptismal tub.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
	A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
	A2: You wont find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if youre looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
	A3: How many can you afford?
	A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
	1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
	2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
	3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb).  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
	Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as Partnership.
	A5: None, hell have the paralegal do it. But, youll get the following bill:
		Item	Light bulb
		Charge                           	$2185
		(Itemization of bill charges)
		Lawyers time (1 hr. minimum)  	$ 400
		Connectivity charge            	$ 100
		Staff charge                   	$ 250
		Secretary prepared bill        	$   2
		Research fee                   	$ 422
		Consulting fee                 	$ 431
		Paralegal processing fees      	$  25
		Specialized equipment          	$ 122
		Bought bulb                    	$   5
		Overnight express delivery     	$  34
		Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge      	$ 394




%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%