ARE YOU ENGLISH?
Millions of people are, you know. Why not take this simple test and
find out whether you are one of them?
1) What is the most common subject you talk about with your friends?
a) what you'd do if you won the National Lottery
b) none of the above
2) You have been served an awful meal in a restaurantin fact, so
disgusting you can't bring yourself to finish it. Toward the end of
the meal, the waiter comes by to ask whether you enjoyed the meal.
You:
a) smile weakly and say "yes, thank you"
b) none of the above
3) Are there times when you develop an insatiable urge to eat
profoundly greasy food?
a) ooh, fish and chips, with loads of vinegar . . .
b) none of the above
4) You are the manager of a local Post Office. There is a queue 50
people deep, and only two of the twelve service points are being
operated. Ten members of staff have put up their "Position Closed"
signs and are discussing whether Princess Diana's hair looked better
before her marriage broke up. You:
a) go into your office and close the door
b) none of the above
5) When attending an important business meeting, do you wear a suit
from 1982 that you've slept in the night before?
a) oh, dear . . . it's that obvious, is it?
b) none of the above
6) You arrive at work fifteen minutes late. You have a busy day
ahead of you and a backlog of work which you didn't manage to catch
up on yesterday. The first thing you do is:
a) put the kettle on
b) none of the above
7) Do you hate anything and anyone which reminds you of Germany?
a) yes, the bastards!
b) none of the above
8) You are head-over-heels in love with the partner of your dreams.
Your pulse races, your heart pounds, and every time you look into
your partner's eyes, your knees turn to cooked pasta. It is a
beautiful moonlit evening, and you're walking, arm-in-arm, along the
river. A wonderful warm feeling overcomes you, and you turn to your
partner and say:
a) "...erm, this is nice"
b) none of the above
9) It's 11:00 at night and the nice people living in the flat
upstairs have their hi-fi on awfully loud. You:
a) turn the TV up and complain to whoever else is in the room
with you
b) none of the above
10) How many different varieties of white bread do there have to be
at your supermarket for you not to feel anxious?
a) at least 315
b) none of the above
11) Do you tend to leave public lavatories in a more unsanitary
condition than you found them in?
a) What's the big deal? That's why they have cleaning ladies!
b) none of the above
12) It is a beautiful summer's day, and you and your partner decide
to drive to the coast. Once you arrive, you pull into the car park
over looking the sea front and:
a) sit in your car for a couple of hours eating cheese
sandwiches
b) none of the above
13) As you wait on the platform for your train, you notice an
elderly person has fallen over and is slow to get up. You:
a) ...you mean there's something I should do in this situation?
b) none of the above
14) Do you expect to be paid for singing Christmas carols?
a) Isn't that why they're sung?
b) none of the above
15) Would you feel uncomfortable bathing every day?
a) once a week is good enough, my dear fellow
b) none of the above
16) You are waiting for a bus along with sixteen other people. You
have no idea when the next bus is due to arrive, and can find no
timetable. You:
a) look at your watch and sigh, saying absoultely nothing to anyone
b) none of the above
17) Do you know the names of all of your neighbours?
a) my who?
b) none of the above
18) What single word in the English language do you use most often?
a) "sorry"
b) none of the above
19) Where do you dispose of your litter?
a) as far away from the nearest waste recepticle as possible
b) none of the above
20) Do you think watching Australian soap operas is making the best
use of your time?
a) what do you mean? It's the highlight of my day
b) none of the above
SCORING: if you are English, the score doesn't matter too much, so
long as you tried hard and failed bravely.
--
Iain Hotchkies ambition: polymath
currently: jack of all trades
www.hotch.demon.co.uk corollary: master of none
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