Hi Bill,
Yes, I can see that. And maybe the 'the' makes for a better rhythm. A
six of one type situation.
My main thought the other way was to reduce the syllables in the
second line, to lighten it up, so to speak.
Perhaps best to leave it as you've revised. Too much tinkering can, in
the end, just be too much. It is very fine as it is.
best,Jill
___________________________________________Jill Jones
----- Original Message -----
From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
To:
Cc:
Sent:Thu, 20 Dec 2018 12:49:05 +1100
Subject:Re: lightweight haiku
Thanks, Jill. I suppose I thought by including the definite article,
it
nails it more to a particular time of observation.
Bill
On Thu, 20 Dec 2018 at 12:23 pm, Jill Jones wrote:
> Hi Bill,
> Yes, this moves nicely, very butterfly-ish.
>
> I do like the spring/flickering sonic connection
>
> I still wonder if you need 'the'.
> Thanks,Jill
>
> ___________________________________________Jill Jones
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> To:
> Cc:
> Sent:Wed, 19 Dec 2018 14:56:22 +1100
> Subject:Re: lightweight haiku
>
> Thanks, Sheila.
>
> Amended slightly now:
>
> spring lightweight
>
> in the flickering sun
>
> - a butterfly
>
> bw
>
> 19.12.18
>
> On Wed, 19 Dec 2018 at 11:23 am, Sheila Murphy
> wrote:
>
> > lovely, Bill. Thank you!
> >
> > On Tue, Dec 18, 2018 at 4:04 PM Bill Wootton
> > wrote:
> >
> > > spring lightweight
> > >
> > > in flickering sun
> > >
> > > - butterfly
> > >
> > >
> > > bw
> > >
> > >
>
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