Coming in late to all this, I like both chemistry for the chid’s POV & the stanza breaks now, but you’ve gotten rid of some the uncanny aspects of the man there, how powerfully he attacked your senses. I’d leave that in, Bill.
Doug
> On Jul 12, 2017, at 5:19 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Fair call, Andrew. Patrick, I suppose I didn't mind if the poem was
> available of your reading with absent or 'entertaining' mother. Will leave
> out punctuation still - blunt feelings - but here is version 2:
>
> early on 2
>
> wake small
> big room
> behind bars
>
> far bed
> man snores
> bed creaks
> why there
>
> never asked
>
> Uncle Tom
> his house
> maybe Mum
> put me
>
> his room
> all along
>
> bw
> 12.7.17
>
> Bill
>
> On Wed, 12 Jul 2017 at 7:29 PM, Patrick McManus <
> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> aha I read before your explanation should there be a question mark after
>> he there?? and agree with break
>>
>> never asked has some confusion who asked you or him oh well I am cat
>> sitting and one has turned up after going awol for five days -phew!! not
>> look good to lose 'Henry' he brought back a furry present!!
>>
>>
>> On 12/07/2017 10:20, Patrick McManus wrote:
>>> Bill I read as she single mum with guest -or a father who is always
>>> away -intriguing -layout looks like one of mine :-)
>>>
>>>
>>> On 12/07/2017 02:18, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>>> wake small
>>>> big room
>>>> behind bars
>>>> man snores
>>>> sour smell
>>>> why mum
>>>> he there
>>>> flatbacked
>>>> never asked
>>>> just occurred
>>>> maybe I
>>>> put there
>>>> his room
>>>> all along
>>>>
>>>> bw
>>
Douglas Barbour
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https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
The palms rattle, the eucalypts
shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
Denise Levertov
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