This now seems to catch the event in motion well, Bill.
Doug
> On Jun 28, 2017, at 5:33 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Doug, I have reverted largely to version 1, dropping the feint only because
> it was an impulse, not a manufactured movement. Her features did crease and
> later the daughter kind of scrungled up her face so that'll do I think.
>
> Bill
>
> So:
>
> Ripple
>
> Springing along
> Sunshine Beach Road,
> daughter in hand,
> the young mother
> suddenly swerves from kerb
> features creasing.
>
> The loud report,
> a car backfiring,
> quickly fades
>
> but not before
> the daughter
> has mimicked exactly
> her mother's movements.
>
> bw
> 19.6.17
>
> On Wed, 28 Jun 2017 at 1:15 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> Hmmnn, Bill.
>>
>> This does catch a bit more of the whole event. Not sure what onomatopoeia
>> wold work; do you need that line at all? The sudden swerve is exactly that,
>> & then we hear what caused it…?
>>
>> I guess the email played with the lines…
>>
>> Doug
>>> On Jun 27, 2017, at 7:11 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Another lash at it, Doug, before new snap tomorrow. Any alternative
>>> onamatopeic suggestions for the sound of a car backfiring will be greatly
>>> appreciated.
>>>
>>> Bill
>>>
>>> Ripple
>>>
>>>
>>> She springs down Sunshine Beach Road,
>>>
>>> swinging her daughter by the hand
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> until Popcraaack.
>>>
>>> Sudden swerve
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> from kerb,
>>>
>>> face lockdown.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The sharp report,
>>>
>>> a car backfiring
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> quickly fades
>>>
>>> as does mother's reflex
>>>
>>> but not before her daughter
>>> has mimicked exactly, both movements.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> bw
>>>
>>> 27.6.17
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> On Fri, 23 Jun 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the
>> two,
>>>> as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
>>>>
>>>> It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such a
>>>> carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must
>> take
>>>> over from the prose descriptions…?
>>>>
>>>> Doug
>>>>> On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being too
>>>>> prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs and
>>>>> avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d Lawrence
>>>> both.
>>>>>
>>>>> Bill
>>>>>
>>>>> Ripple 2
>>>>>
>>>>> Swinging her daughter by the hand
>>>>> she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
>>>>> until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
>>>>>
>>>>> Involuntary swerve from kerb,
>>>>> face shuts up shop.
>>>>>
>>>>> Taking her cue a millisecond later,
>>>>> daughter mimics both movements exactly.
>>>>>
>>>>> Such a fleeting thing: joy
>>>>>
>>>>> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]
>>>
>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
>>>>>> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're
>> ‘springing’…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Doug
>>>>>>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the job,
>> I
>>>>>>> suppose.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Bill
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's
>> girl?
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Andrew
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> <
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Virus-free.
>>>>>>>> www.avast.com
>>>>>>>> <
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
>>>>>> [log in to unmask]>
>>>>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Springing along
>>>>>>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
>>>>>>>>>> daughter in hand,
>>>>>>>>>> the young mother
>>>>>>>>>> suddenly feints left,
>>>>>>>>>> features creasing.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> The loud report,
>>>>>>>>>> a car backfiring,
>>>>>>>>>> quickly fades
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> but not before
>>>>>>>>>> the daughter
>>>>>>>>>> has mimicked exactly
>>>>>>>>>> her mother's movements.
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> bw
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> --
>>>>>>>> Andrew
>>>>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>>>>>> Books available through Walleah Press
>>>>>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Douglas Barbour
>>>>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
>>>> Continuations
>>>>>> 2 (UofAPress).
>>>>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>>>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
>>>>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
>>>>>> already appalled by our language,
>>>>>> pointing at what they want.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Bill Manhire
>>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Douglas Barbour
>>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>>>
>>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
>> Continuations
>>>> 2 (UofAPress).
>>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
>>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
>>>> already appalled by our language,
>>>> pointing at what they want.
>>>>
>>>> Bill Manhire
>>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
>> 2 (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>
>> The palms rattle, the eucalypts
>> shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
>>
>> Denise Levertov
>>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
The palms rattle, the eucalypts
shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
Denise Levertov
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