Doug, I have reverted largely to version 1, dropping the feint only because
it was an impulse, not a manufactured movement. Her features did crease and
later the daughter kind of scrungled up her face so that'll do I think.
Bill
So:
Ripple
Springing along
Sunshine Beach Road,
daughter in hand,
the young mother
suddenly swerves from kerb
features creasing.
The loud report,
a car backfiring,
quickly fades
but not before
the daughter
has mimicked exactly
her mother's movements.
bw
19.6.17
On Wed, 28 Jun 2017 at 1:15 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> Hmmnn, Bill.
>
> This does catch a bit more of the whole event. Not sure what onomatopoeia
> wold work; do you need that line at all? The sudden swerve is exactly that,
> & then we hear what caused it…?
>
> I guess the email played with the lines…
>
> Doug
> > On Jun 27, 2017, at 7:11 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
> >
> > Another lash at it, Doug, before new snap tomorrow. Any alternative
> > onamatopeic suggestions for the sound of a car backfiring will be greatly
> > appreciated.
> >
> > Bill
> >
> > Ripple
> >
> >
> > She springs down Sunshine Beach Road,
> >
> > swinging her daughter by the hand
> >
> >
> >
> > until Popcraaack.
> >
> > Sudden swerve
> >
> >
> >
> > from kerb,
> >
> > face lockdown.
> >
> >
> >
> > The sharp report,
> >
> > a car backfiring
> >
> >
> >
> > quickly fades
> >
> > as does mother's reflex
> >
> > but not before her daughter
> > has mimicked exactly, both movements.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> >
> > 27.6.17
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On Fri, 23 Jun 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> >
> >> Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the
> two,
> >> as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
> >>
> >> It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such a
> >> carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must
> take
> >> over from the prose descriptions…?
> >>
> >> Doug
> >>> On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> >> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being too
> >>> prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs and
> >>> avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d Lawrence
> >> both.
> >>>
> >>> Bill
> >>>
> >>> Ripple 2
> >>>
> >>> Swinging her daughter by the hand
> >>> she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
> >>> until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
> >>>
> >>> Involuntary swerve from kerb,
> >>> face shuts up shop.
> >>>
> >>> Taking her cue a millisecond later,
> >>> daughter mimics both movements exactly.
> >>>
> >>> Such a fleeting thing: joy
> >>>
> >>> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]
> >
> >>> wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
> >>>> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're
> ‘springing’…
> >>>>
> >>>> Doug
> >>>>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> >>>> wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the job,
> I
> >>>>> suppose.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Bill
> >>>>>
> >>>>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
> >>>> wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's
> girl?
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Andrew
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> <
> >>>>>>
> >>>>
> >>
> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>> Virus-free.
> >>>>>> www.avast.com
> >>>>>> <
> >>>>>>
> >>>>
> >>
> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
> >>>> [log in to unmask]>
> >>>>>> wrote:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> Springing along
> >>>>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
> >>>>>>>> daughter in hand,
> >>>>>>>> the young mother
> >>>>>>>> suddenly feints left,
> >>>>>>>> features creasing.
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> The loud report,
> >>>>>>>> a car backfiring,
> >>>>>>>> quickly fades
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> but not before
> >>>>>>>> the daughter
> >>>>>>>> has mimicked exactly
> >>>>>>>> her mother's movements.
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> bw
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> --
> >>>>>> Andrew
> >>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >>>>>> Books available through Walleah Press
> >>>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
> >>>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Douglas Barbour
> >>>> [log in to unmask]
> >>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> >>>>
> >>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> >> Continuations
> >>>> 2 (UofAPress).
> >>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> >>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> >>>>
> >>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> >>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
> >>>> already appalled by our language,
> >>>> pointing at what they want.
> >>>>
> >>>> Bill Manhire
> >>>>
> >>
> >> Douglas Barbour
> >> [log in to unmask]
> >> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> >>
> >> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> Continuations
> >> 2 (UofAPress).
> >> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> >> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> >>
> >>
> >> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> >> and watch the Martian invaders,
> >> already appalled by our language,
> >> pointing at what they want.
> >>
> >> Bill Manhire
> >>
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>
> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
> 2 (UofAPress).
> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>
> The palms rattle, the eucalypts
> shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
>
> Denise Levertov
>
|