Hmmnn, Bill.
This does catch a bit more of the whole event. Not sure what onomatopoeia wold work; do you need that line at all? The sudden swerve is exactly that, & then we hear what caused it…?
I guess the email played with the lines…
Doug
> On Jun 27, 2017, at 7:11 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Another lash at it, Doug, before new snap tomorrow. Any alternative
> onamatopeic suggestions for the sound of a car backfiring will be greatly
> appreciated.
>
> Bill
>
> Ripple
>
>
> She springs down Sunshine Beach Road,
>
> swinging her daughter by the hand
>
>
>
> until Popcraaack.
>
> Sudden swerve
>
>
>
> from kerb,
>
> face lockdown.
>
>
>
> The sharp report,
>
> a car backfiring
>
>
>
> quickly fades
>
> as does mother's reflex
>
> but not before her daughter
> has mimicked exactly, both movements.
>
>
>
> bw
>
> 27.6.17
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On Fri, 23 Jun 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
>> Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the two,
>> as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
>>
>> It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such a
>> carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must take
>> over from the prose descriptions…?
>>
>> Doug
>>> On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being too
>>> prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs and
>>> avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d Lawrence
>> both.
>>>
>>> Bill
>>>
>>> Ripple 2
>>>
>>> Swinging her daughter by the hand
>>> she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
>>> until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
>>>
>>> Involuntary swerve from kerb,
>>> face shuts up shop.
>>>
>>> Taking her cue a millisecond later,
>>> daughter mimics both movements exactly.
>>>
>>> Such a fleeting thing: joy
>>>
>>> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
>>>> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're ‘springing’…
>>>>
>>>> Doug
>>>>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the job, I
>>>>> suppose.
>>>>>
>>>>> Bill
>>>>>
>>>>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's girl?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Andrew
>>>>>>
>>>>>> <
>>>>>>
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>>>
>>>>>> Virus-free.
>>>>>> www.avast.com
>>>>>> <
>>>>>>
>>>>
>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>>>>
>>>>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
>>>> [log in to unmask]>
>>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Springing along
>>>>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
>>>>>>>> daughter in hand,
>>>>>>>> the young mother
>>>>>>>> suddenly feints left,
>>>>>>>> features creasing.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> The loud report,
>>>>>>>> a car backfiring,
>>>>>>>> quickly fades
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> but not before
>>>>>>>> the daughter
>>>>>>>> has mimicked exactly
>>>>>>>> her mother's movements.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> bw
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> --
>>>>>> Andrew
>>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>>>> Books available through Walleah Press
>>>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
>>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Douglas Barbour
>>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>>>
>>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
>> Continuations
>>>> 2 (UofAPress).
>>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>>>
>>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
>>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
>>>> already appalled by our language,
>>>> pointing at what they want.
>>>>
>>>> Bill Manhire
>>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
>> 2 (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
>>
>>
>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
>> and watch the Martian invaders,
>> already appalled by our language,
>> pointing at what they want.
>>
>> Bill Manhire
>>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
The palms rattle, the eucalypts
shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
Denise Levertov
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