Not quite that bad, Andrew, but I also noticed that ‘passed’, & wonder how you might either find another line to make 2 couplets out of that tercet, or else not worry about stanza breaks at all, at least so ordered then broken once. The observation keeps.
Doug
> On Jun 22, 2017, at 5:35 AM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Yes, it's shit Bill. I'll tighten it and fiddle with 'passed' and 'past'
> ... An unedited snap from my busy brain :-)
>
> Andrew
>
> <https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail>
> Virus-free.
> www.avast.com
> <https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail>
> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
>
> On 22 June 2017 at 18:19, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> Line one's 'passed' is odd to me, Andrew. And why the tercet among the
>> couplets? Otherwise this is of interest, the idea of shapes' effect on
>> lives.
>>
>> Bill
>>
>> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 2:14 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>>> I drive passed
>>> your past address
>>>
>>> a hollow among
>>> bushes by the railway
>>>
>>> now you live
>>> full time
>>>
>>> in the former
>>> half-way house
>>>
>>> yet walk the city streets
>>> like the homeless
>>> you once lived among
>>>
>>> the pavement
>>> alleys and buildings
>>>
>>> somehow shape
>>> your life
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>> Andrew
>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>> Books available through Walleah Press
>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> <
>>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_
>> source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>
>>> Virus-free.
>>> www.avast.com
>>> <
>>> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_
>> source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
>>>>
>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
>>>
>>
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> Books available through Walleah Press
> http://walleahpress.com.au
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Listen. If (UofAPress):
I go down to the Twilight Arcade
and watch the Martian invaders,
already appalled by our language,
pointing at what they want.
Bill Manhire
|