Thanks Sheila, Doug. Ripples calmed.
Bill
On Thu, 29 Jun 2017 at 3:59 AM, Sheila Murphy <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> Hear hear, Bill! I am with this version! Sheila
>
> On Wed, Jun 28, 2017 at 8:34 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > This now seems to catch the event in motion well, Bill.
> >
> > Doug
> > > On Jun 28, 2017, at 5:33 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> > wrote:
> > >
> > > Doug, I have reverted largely to version 1, dropping the feint only
> > because
> > > it was an impulse, not a manufactured movement. Her features did crease
> > and
> > > later the daughter kind of scrungled up her face so that'll do I think.
> > >
> > > Bill
> > >
> > > So:
> > >
> > > Ripple
> > >
> > > Springing along
> > > Sunshine Beach Road,
> > > daughter in hand,
> > > the young mother
> > > suddenly swerves from kerb
> > > features creasing.
> > >
> > > The loud report,
> > > a car backfiring,
> > > quickly fades
> > >
> > > but not before
> > > the daughter
> > > has mimicked exactly
> > > her mother's movements.
> > >
> > > bw
> > > 19.6.17
> > >
> > > On Wed, 28 Jun 2017 at 1:15 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> > > wrote:
> > >
> > >> Hmmnn, Bill.
> > >>
> > >> This does catch a bit more of the whole event. Not sure what
> > onomatopoeia
> > >> wold work; do you need that line at all? The sudden swerve is exactly
> > that,
> > >> & then we hear what caused it…?
> > >>
> > >> I guess the email played with the lines…
> > >>
> > >> Doug
> > >>> On Jun 27, 2017, at 7:11 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> > >> wrote:
> > >>>
> > >>> Another lash at it, Doug, before new snap tomorrow. Any alternative
> > >>> onamatopeic suggestions for the sound of a car backfiring will be
> > greatly
> > >>> appreciated.
> > >>>
> > >>> Bill
> > >>>
> > >>> Ripple
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> She springs down Sunshine Beach Road,
> > >>>
> > >>> swinging her daughter by the hand
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> until Popcraaack.
> > >>>
> > >>> Sudden swerve
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> from kerb,
> > >>>
> > >>> face lockdown.
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> The sharp report,
> > >>>
> > >>> a car backfiring
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> quickly fades
> > >>>
> > >>> as does mother's reflex
> > >>>
> > >>> but not before her daughter
> > >>> has mimicked exactly, both movements.
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> bw
> > >>>
> > >>> 27.6.17
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>>
> > >>> On Fri, 23 Jun 2017 at 1:14 AM, Douglas Barbour <
> [log in to unmask]>
> > >>> wrote:
> > >>>
> > >>>> Qh, this is clearer, Bill, butI wonder if you can work on mixing the
> > >> two,
> > >>>> as the first one’s final lines work well, better, perhaps …
> > >>>>
> > >>>> It’s hard, sometimes, to find the rhythm, the line breaks, for such
> a
> > >>>> carefully observed event… & at some point, the poem’s own moves must
> > >> take
> > >>>> over from the prose descriptions…?
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Doug
> > >>>>> On Jun 22, 2017, at 3:58 AM, Bill Wootton <
> [log in to unmask]>
> > >>>> wrote:
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Well, this was my revised version, Doug but I rejected it as being
> > too
> > >>>>> prosaic and submitted my first 'snap'. It does address who springs
> > and
> > >>>>> avoids the feat/crease thing. Last line excisable for you a d
> > Lawrence
> > >>>> both.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Bill
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Ripple 2
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Swinging her daughter by the hand
> > >>>>> she springs down Sunshine Beach Road
> > >>>>> until a sudden report, a sportscar backfiring.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Involuntary swerve from kerb,
> > >>>>> face shuts up shop.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Taking her cue a millisecond later,
> > >>>>> daughter mimics both movements exactly.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Such a fleeting thing: joy
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> On Thu, 22 Jun 2017 at 12:59 AM, Douglas Barbour <
> > [log in to unmask]
> > >>>
> > >>>>> wrote:
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>>> The 2nd & 3rd stanzas work really well, Bill; I wasn’t sure about
> > >>>>>> ‘creasing’, nor about how old the daughter is, when they're
> > >> ‘springing’…
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Doug
> > >>>>>>> On Jun 21, 2017, at 2:37 AM, Bill Wootton <
> > [log in to unmask]>
> > >>>>>> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> No, Andrew, more as Patrick observed, the girl learning, on the
> > job,
> > >> I
> > >>>>>>> suppose.
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> Bill
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> On Wed, 21 Jun 2017 at 6:21 pm, Andrew Burke <
> [log in to unmask]
> > >
> > >>>>>> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> What's the full impact of the image, Bill? Is she an ex bikie's
> > >> girl?
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Andrew
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> <
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>
> > >> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_
> > source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Virus-free.
> > >>>>>>>> www.avast.com
> > >>>>>>>> <
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>
> > >> https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_
> > source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> <#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2>
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> On 21 June 2017 at 15:51, Patrick McManus <
> > >>>>>> [log in to unmask]>
> > >>>>>>>> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>> cheers Bill image there of girl learning !
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>> On 20/06/2017 23:22, Bill Wootton wrote:
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>> Springing along
> > >>>>>>>>>> Sunshine Beach Road,
> > >>>>>>>>>> daughter in hand,
> > >>>>>>>>>> the young mother
> > >>>>>>>>>> suddenly feints left,
> > >>>>>>>>>> features creasing.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>> The loud report,
> > >>>>>>>>>> a car backfiring,
> > >>>>>>>>>> quickly fades
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>> but not before
> > >>>>>>>>>> the daughter
> > >>>>>>>>>> has mimicked exactly
> > >>>>>>>>>> her mother's movements.
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>> bw
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> --
> > >>>>>>>> Andrew
> > >>>>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > >>>>>>>> Books available through Walleah Press
> > >>>>>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Douglas Barbour
> > >>>>>> [log in to unmask]
> > >>>>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> > >>>> Continuations
> > >>>>>> 2 (UofAPress).
> > >>>>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> > >>>>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> > >>>>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
> > >>>>>> already appalled by our language,
> > >>>>>> pointing at what they want.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Bill Manhire
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Douglas Barbour
> > >>>> [log in to unmask]
> > >>>> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> > >> Continuations
> > >>>> 2 (UofAPress).
> > >>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> > >>>> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> > >>>>
> > >>>>
> > >>>> I go down to the Twilight Arcade
> > >>>> and watch the Martian invaders,
> > >>>> already appalled by our language,
> > >>>> pointing at what they want.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> Bill Manhire
> > >>>>
> > >>
> > >> Douglas Barbour
> > >> [log in to unmask]
> > >> https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> > >>
> > >> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> > Continuations
> > >> 2 (UofAPress).
> > >> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> > >> Listen. If (UofAPress):
> > >>
> > >> The palms rattle, the eucalypts
> > >> shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
> > >>
> > >> Denise Levertov
> > >>
> >
> > Douglas Barbour
> > [log in to unmask]
> > https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> >
> > Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations
> > 2 (UofAPress).
> > Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> > Listen. If (UofAPress):
> >
> >
> > The palms rattle, the eucalypts
> > shed bark and blossom. Uninterpreted.
> >
> > Denise Levertov
> >
>
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