I'd keep the tercet form, Bill -- makes it read (nicely) like a mix of haiku and
WCW.
Robin
>
> On 06 April 2017 at 00:49 Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>
> Thanks, Sheila, Doug, Pat again. I tried Andrew's suggestion of abolishing
> the tercets but still wasn't happy so I've mucked with it again, if
> anybody
> cares to look. I don't mind being specific about the ghee tin, Doug. It
> might ring a bell or serve as warning for others. Pat, I was aware of the
> song 'Hurt' written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails and covered so
> memorably by Cash. But in the song, the hurt is deliberate to see if he
> still feels pain, as I recall.
>
> Anyway, last effort for now reads like this, with mainly re-ordering
> changes.
>
> Cut
>
> I cut myself today.
> The empty green ghee tin looked useful.
> Why not rinse it out?
>
> Yikes. Surprised by sharp in sink suds.
> Internal, infernal metal edge.
> Warm water masked slash to right thumb.
>
> Circum-grip withdrawn digit with left hand
> to stem before it began, the rich red flow.
> But rupture will not be denied.
>
> Pumping out opinions, pounding about,
> we take intactness so much for granted.
> Bodies just flesh jackets over blood rivers,
>
> always only one breach from gush.
>
> bw
> 6.4.17
>
> Bill
>
> On Thu, 6 Apr 2017 at 6:40 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > I like the way it gets to its end Bill, but not sure you need to
> > identify
> > that tin, which meant nothing to me (or maybe anyone not Aussie?)…
> >
> > Doug
> > > On Apr 5, 2017, at 12:48 PM, Patrick McManus <
> > [log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > > Hi Bill just remembered what your first line reminded of -'I hurt
> > > myself
> > today' great Johnny cash song (written by someone else
> > >
> > > cheers Patrick
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > -------- Forwarded Message --------
> > > Subject: Re: Cut
> > > Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2017 08:16:18 +0100
> > > From: Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> > > To: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics <[log in to unmask]>
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Hi Bill thanks the perils of washing up and pouring out opinions -my
> > shed is full of maybe useful jars and tins
> > >
> > >
> > > On 04/04/2017 23:37, Bill Wootton wrote:
> > >> I cut myself today
> > >> Surprised by sharp
> > >> in sink suds
> > >>
> > >> The green ghee tin
> > >> looked useful
> > >> Why not wash it out
> > >>
> > >> Warm water masked
> > >> the slash to right thumb
> > >> Infernal internal metal edge
> > >>
> > >> Quick withdrawal
> > >> Circumgrip with left hand
> > >> to stem before it began
> > >>
> > >> the rich red flow
> > >> But rupture will not
> > >> be denied its outflow
> > >>
> > >> All of us, pumping out
> > >> opinions, pounding about,
> > >> only so many blood rivers
> > >>
> > >> and sub-rivers,
> > >> one breach from
> > >> clearing out.
> > >>
> > >> bw
> >
> > Douglas Barbour
> > [log in to unmask]
> > https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
> >
> > Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations &
> > Continuations
> > 2 (UofAPress).
> > Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
> > Listen. If (UofAPress):
> >
> > and as you read
> > the sea is turning its dark pages
> > turning
> > its dark pages.
> >
> > Denise Levertov
> >
>
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