Hi Bill hard to sort for me -perhaps to put away and look with fresh
eyes -version 3 seems to play out well
-----Original Message-----
From: Bill Wootton
Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2016 4:41 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: On a country rail platform
Thanks, Max, Andrew.
Unsnappishly, I have had another go. My hesitation with 'no life form' was
that trees were obviously about in the area, Andrew. Maybe I have addressed
that here. I didn't realise the Anzac connections till afterwards: pine,
uniform. It was more that the rail lounge, counter and toilets were closed
but the trains kept running.
Max, thanks for yours below. 'only life' I might get away with if readers
didn't count trees. So, barring ents, my new version might pass muster.
'ambulatory' might have Anzac associations too I thought, many now (all?)
unable to amble if veterans. I do see the structure you have, Max, is
attractive, instructive but I thinks I might stick with the military
precision of the quatrains. I accept your hyphenated suggestion on
rail-straight. Maybe by altering the gender at the end, it might seem more
of a chance of being a peace train?
On a country railway platform 3
The only ambulatory life forms here,
scatter-strung-out, ready, we wait.
A pine wind scuffs crisp pin oak leaves,
rustles trousers, riffles skirts. We gaze
hard into rail-straight distance until
a far-off glint reassures. Anticipatory
milling kicks in. No uniformed presence,
a computerised voice crackles. The 11.55
from Ballan, stopping all stations to Southern
Cross now arriving. Restrooms and ticket
counter remain closed. Anzac Day.
A tow-haired girl respools her yo-yo, boards.
bw
27.4.16
Bill
On Wednesday, 27 April 2016, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> Well, Bill, I favor inclusion, combination and expansion.
> I wouldn’t mind being able to see more on the platform
> than just you and the boy.
>
> Max
>
> On Apr 26, 2016, at 15:49, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]
> <javascript:;>> wrote:
>
> > On a country railway platform 4
>
> > Ranged, ready,
> we want out of here -
>
> > we’re the only life in town -
> > we wait to get away.
>
> > a pine wind scuffs
> > crisp, crablike pinoak leaves
> > and rustles trousers.
> >
> > We gaze hard into rail-straight distance
> > till a far-off glint reassures.
>
> > Anticipatory milling kicks in.
> > No uniformed presence but
> > a computerised voice crackles.
> >
> > The 11.55 from Ballan, stopping all
> > stations to Southern Cross is now
> > arriving.
>
> > Neither restrooms nor ticket
> > counter have been open. Anzac Day.
>
> > A tow-haired boy pockets his yo-yo.
> >
> > bw
> > 26.4.16
> >
> > On a country railway platform 3
> >
> > Ranged, ready,
> > we want out of here.
> > A pine wind scuffs
> > crisp pin oak leaves
> > and rustles trousers.
> >
> > We gaze hard into rail straight distance
> > until a far-off glint reassures.
> > Anticipatory milling kicks in.
> > No uniformed presence but
> > a computerised voice crackles.
> >
> > The 11.55 from Ballan, stopping all
> > stations to Southern Cross is now
> > arriving. Neither restrooms nor ticket
> > counter have been open. Anzac Day.
> > A tow-haired boy pockets his yo-yo.
> >
> > bw
> > 27.4.16
> >
> > Bill
>
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