I think it would make a fine villanelle or pantoum. It has a good twist at
the finish with 'I smile inwardly', but it would have more impact if it
built up before that. At present it is a level playing field. with a lack
of drama in the presentation.
Andrew
On 8 October 2015 at 13:28, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Beautifully rendered, Max and Sheila's suggestions cut to the chase well
> too.
>
> Bill
>
> On Wednesday, October 7, 2015, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > I left my tooth,
> > or most of it,
> > in Chinatown,
> > where a chook-bone
> > shocked and broke it.
> >
> > Like chook-bones
> > tooth fragments
> > are chomped on
> > and - preferably -
> > not swallowed.
> >
> > In this case, less tooth
> > joined the bone pile
> > on the side of my plate
> > than my tongue sensed
> > I’d lost from my mouth.
> >
> > ‘Plenty of teeth left!’
> > I grimace at the wife.
> > She blenches and flinches,
> > wields defensively
> > her clenched chopsticks.
> >
> > It’s happened to her,
> > more than once - and at
> > the time was eating out.
> > This tooth I've lost,
> > picked out by fate
> >
> > in Seattle’s Chinatown
> > this summer night.
> > My smile’s no worse
> > than it ever was - a smile
> > these days you'll seldom see.
> >
> > But I smile inwardly.
>
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