Andrew,
I have been thinking about your poem, and have been going back and forth
with myself about a couple of things here.
Here is what I wrestle with:
The stanza that begins with "As spring dusts off . . ." is great
So is the stanza that begins "It's a game . . . "
The beginning stanza is less strong. I would be more inclined to go right
into the powerful part and consider whether anything and if so what you
might want to join with those strong stanzas aforementioned.
The final stanza is not so strong as the middle.
Conclusion for me is that you have so much power that it needs to have
other stanzas that equal that power, rather than move to generalities.
Hope this is useful! Sheila
On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 10:32 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Did anybody read my poem? Any comments - good, bad or indifferent - are
> welcome.
>
> Andrew
>
> On 31 July 2015 at 00:46, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > I'd love some feedback on the following, if you have time.
> >
> > .....
> >
> > Life is a hit album,
> >
> > concept pending.
> >
> >
> >
> > As spring dusts off
> >
> > the holding yards,
> >
> > North stays steady in a storm.
> >
> >
> >
> > We plan
> >
> > but rarely complete.
> >
> >
> >
> > It’s a game of millimetres,
> >
> > of a bee’s tit. Where
> >
> > you came from
> >
> >
> >
> > takes you to where
> >
> > you go: *turn *
> >
> > *to us with confidence.*
> >
> >
> >
> > - Andrew Burke
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
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