Oh, Sheila, yes, very useful, thank you. I shall weigh up stanzas and their
relevance to each other. (It began with a line for a short story, 'Life is
a concept album' - but my mind or muse wrote lines toward a poem instead! I
like to float free of restrictions, but then to tidy up the hurdy-gurdy
into a comprehensible piece is often the major task.)
Thanks. I wonder what others thought ...
Andrew
antipodean hermit
On 1 August 2015 at 15:37, Sheila Murphy <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Andrew,
>
> I have been thinking about your poem, and have been going back and forth
> with myself about a couple of things here.
>
> Here is what I wrestle with:
>
> The stanza that begins with "As spring dusts off . . ." is great
>
> So is the stanza that begins "It's a game . . . "
>
> The beginning stanza is less strong. I would be more inclined to go right
> into the powerful part and consider whether anything and if so what you
> might want to join with those strong stanzas aforementioned.
> The final stanza is not so strong as the middle.
>
> Conclusion for me is that you have so much power that it needs to have
> other stanzas that equal that power, rather than move to generalities.
>
> Hope this is useful! Sheila
>
>
>
> On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 10:32 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > Did anybody read my poem? Any comments - good, bad or indifferent - are
> > welcome.
> >
> > Andrew
> >
> > On 31 July 2015 at 00:46, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > > I'd love some feedback on the following, if you have time.
> > >
> > > .....
> > >
> > > Life is a hit album,
> > >
> > > concept pending.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > As spring dusts off
> > >
> > > the holding yards,
> > >
> > > North stays steady in a storm.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > We plan
> > >
> > > but rarely complete.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > It’s a game of millimetres,
> > >
> > > of a bee’s tit. Where
> > >
> > > you came from
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > takes you to where
> > >
> > > you go: *turn *
> > >
> > > *to us with confidence.*
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > - Andrew Burke
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
>
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