Seattle Bedbug Blues
She opened her eyes in the darkness
and what was staring back
but a Seattle bug with her blood in?
She pounced - it died in
her fist, then lay in her bedside glass
till the morning brought on the blues.
Take it away to the landlord,
ask him what it is,
what’s he going to do?
It’s his responsibility
to keep these units spruce
or we’ll all go down with the blues.
The landlord said it’s a bedbug
that lives off human blood.
It breeds so fast! - hundreds
will be swarming in all my units
and it’s your responsibility
we’ve got the bedbug blues.
I’m sending you the expert in
infestation investigation.
He’ll inspect you thoroughly
and say what must be done.
He came, he sniffed, he pried,
he poked and said: aha, here’s one! -
stuffing it in his pocket
and sidling to the door.
Name the day we’ll come in force
and pesticide you everywhere!
But pesticide will kill us too! -
we’ve got the pesticide blues.
Then stand by in your apartment
for the one day Heat Treatment.
You’ll bag all books and clothing.
In two weeks your bugs will die -
with our killer Strips in each bag
Seattle bedbugs die.
They cleaned they laundered
they vacuumed everywhere.
They itched at night and pounced
on black specks moving on the floor.
She read them up on the internet
with dread and the bedbug blues.
The size of apple pips they are! -
that’s if they’re mature.
Their baby nymphs are everywhere
and human blood is what they need
to grow and feed and multiply -
till the world has the bedbug blues.
A second inspector comes with charm
inspiring trust in this second firm.
He rescues us from feeling shame -
New York? he says, no-one is clean -
the Clintons had them, the Trumps -
all have had the bedbug blues.
I think you’re clean, I’ll send along
my colleague in a few days’ time.
He’ll do his check and I predict
my judgment he’ll confirm.
Defer eradication now!
No need to have the bedbug blues.
The third man comes and brings his dog,
a qualified bug-sniffer-out.
Nowhere we’ve sat or slept
alerts its sensitive nose.
All clear! rejoice! we’ve won
reprieve from Seattle’s bedbug blues.
But vigilance forever, everyone,
and watch these interceptors
placed now where your bed legs stand.
A bug that comes in search of blood
should fall foul of this plastic moat.
Foiled by our cunning there it dies.
She went to bed that night in tears
of gratitude. God who made bedbugs
to pester cavemen and every man
and woman since, she’d thwarted
by her tireless work. No more
taking her hairdryer to bed with her!
She’d beat the Seattle bedbug blues.
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