Well, I can see Bill’s point about that 4th line, L, but also yours. I really found the final couplet hit home, a sharp conclusion.
A fine piece.
Doug
On Feb 5, 2015, at 3:43 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Not sloppy at all, L.
>
>
>
> Maybe. You haven't seen what I was working from. (Not only was I worried
> that it wouldn't transmit accurately, I was also a little worried about its
> quality as notation. Anyway, I am glad that you liked the work in its
> essence.
>
>
>
>> I'm regarding this as a single poem.
>
> I think that's right
>
>
>
>
>
>> Whether 'true' or not, the fourth line could be excised perhaps, allowing
> readers to imagine the actions adopted rather than be so directed.
>
> As you say, perhaps. It is directional, but is also part of the speaker's
> making sense, trying to, failing. I'll think on that
>
>
>
>> Words like 'elegant' and 'sexy' feel like 'showy' words of a different
> person.
>
> I think they can be more than showy; but it is that other(person)ness
> persisting in the memory which I hope they convey
>
>
>
>> Not quite sure about the ending. An argument could be made to stop with a
> final couplet, finishing with 'hedges'. Then again the 'mouth within' does
> intrigue.
>
>
>
> Have to think about that
>
>
>
> Thanks very much, Bill
>
>
> On 4 February 2015 at 21:39, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> Not sloppy at all, L. Really like this, structurally and substantially.
>> (I'm regarding this as a single poem.) 'Put off coat' is sufficiently
>> strangely worded for me to indicate the oddness of undertaking familiar
>> actions now not in the company - or the knowledge of the company - of the
>> missed one. Whether 'true' or not, the fourth line could be excised
>> perhaps, allowing readers to imagine the actions adopted rather than be so
>> directed. 'breaks into me/like cold rain' is beautiful; it reaches into
>> grief so tellingly. Words like 'elegant' and 'sexy' feel like 'showy' words
>> of a different person. The signpost imagery works really well on many
>> levels, allowing readers to interpret. 'heaping', 'stout', 'persistent' are
>> all well-chosen adjectives. Not quite sure about the ending. An argument
>> could be made to stop with a final couplet, finishing with 'hedges'. Then
>> again the 'mouth within' does intrigue.
>>
>> Bill
>>
>>
>>> On 5 Feb 2015, at 3:59 am, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Ive heard it said. & it was in tthe talk of the person whose voice I was
>>> trying to catch.
>>>
>>> Really the lines are all of reasonable length although irregular; but I
>>> have deployed a number of techniques which, when I wrote it - it was some
>>> time ago - were intended to convey faltering or querulous speech. Rightly
>>> or wrongly. I am sure they wouldn't survive jisc and so I went for this
>>> version.
>>>
>>> Bit sloppy, but there you are
>>>
>>> L
>>>
>>> On 4 February 2015 at 16:48, Patrick McManus <
>> [log in to unmask]>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Ah sad lost love -just wondered L does any-one 'put off a coat' or is
>> this
>>>> Sutton talk? cheers P
>>>> Interested you made long first lines which broke down
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
>> On
>>>> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
>>>> Sent: 04 February 2015 12:19
>>>> To: [log in to unmask]
>>>> Subject: Three Memento Mori
>>>>
>>>> I've adopted certain of your gestures
>>>>
>>>> refining them as acts of memory
>>>>
>>>> a sort of stillness in some ways you moved
>>>>
>>>> that is both elegant and sexy
>>>>
>>>> in a way I
>>>>
>>>> cannot
>>>>
>>>> understand
>>>>
>>>> my lines fall
>>>>
>>>> short of it
>>>>
>>>> it *is*
>>>>
>>>> and so,
>>>>
>>>> quite often
>>>>
>>>> simple
>>>>
>>>> processes
>>>>
>>>> like putting off
>>>>
>>>> a coat and
>>>>
>>>> rolling it
>>>>
>>>> into a rucksack
>>>>
>>>> bring back
>>>>
>>>> your presence
>>>>
>>>> and the joy I have
>>>>
>>>> lost breaks into me
>>>>
>>>> like cold rain which I
>>>>
>>>> receive
>>>>
>>>> shelterless
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> today it's an old fashioned signpost,
>>>>
>>>> two arms of three intact,
>>>>
>>>> pointing from nowhere to nowhere
>>>>
>>>> in an arrowhead triangle
>>>>
>>>> of marigolds, daisies, docks and heaping grass;
>>>>
>>>> but there're other things of great variety;
>>>>
>>>> this has stout bolts and persistent paint,
>>>>
>>>> the lettering clear; the top like a small church spire
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> clouds deny gravity
>>>>
>>>> above encircling hedges
>>>>
>>>> at the world's top
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> speechless
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> grief does not need
>>>>
>>>> a body or a loss
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> it is both
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> one walks forgetful
>>>>
>>>> a mouth within
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
that we are only
as we find out we are
Charles Olson
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