Hmnnn: ‘eviscerated’ may be a bit too visceral Bill. I liked the verging of a noun there, & maybe there’s another you can find to do that job…
Doug
On Oct 15, 2014, at 3:05 PM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I liked 'toothlessed' too, Jill, Doug, but but after re-editing before I read your replies, I couldn't justify it in this poem. It's more visceral than a teeth lack, the word I seek. So I'm with you, Max. It goes, along with Grandma Beat - who never crops up again and may be confused as negotiatee - and an opening indefinite article. In comes grass specification, thanks Pat, and stronger indication of the nature of the pact but still lacking specifics. I'm still up for further comment.
>
> Bill
>
>
> Dreamt snake threatened
>
> to cut me off before I wriggled
>
> across itchy Buffalo grass
>
> to safety of brick steps
>
> on front veranda.
>
>
>
> So doubled back to confront,
>
> to parlay. I'm only eight.
>
> Can't we cut a deal here?
>
> My Bendigo Crossroads.
>
> Negotiated. Without honour.
>
>
>
> And that pact has dogged me
>
> in subsequent wakeful dealings
>
> with authority. Sure, I remain
>
> unbitten but whatever that offer
>
> comprised, eviscerated me.
>
>
>
> In some ways it's been good.
>
> I know I'll never be snake.
>
> But the pound of flesh exacted
>
> set up a chain of compromise
>
> that feels dirty to this day.
>
>
>
> 15.10.14
>
>
>
>> On 16 Oct 2014, at 6:38 am, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Like it all except toothless…
>>
>> Max
>>
>>> On Oct 16, 2014, at 5:05 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>
>>> Yeah, liked that, too…
>>>
>>> Doug
>>>> On Oct 15, 2014, at 10:31 AM, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Toothlessed is a good word.
>>>> ________________________Jill Jones www.jilljones.com.au
>>>>
>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
>>>> To:
>>>> Cc:
>>>> Sent:Wed, 15 Oct 2014 07:42:33 +1100
>>>> Subject:Negotiating with Management
>>>>
>>>> Dreamt a snake would clearly
>>>>
>>>> cut me off before I wriggled
>>>>
>>>> across itchy dry paspalum
>>>>
>>>> to the safety of brick steps
>>>>
>>>> on Grandma Beat's front veranda.
>>>>
>>>> So doubled back to confront,
>>>>
>>>> to parlay. I'm only eight.
>>>>
>>>> Can't we cut a deal here?
>>>>
>>>> My Bendigo Crossroads.
>>>>
>>>> Negotiated.
>>>>
>>>> And that pact has dogged me
>>>>
>>>> in all subsequent dealings
>>>>
>>>> with authority. Sure, I remain
>>>>
>>>> unbitten but whatever that
>>>>
>>>> offer comprised, toothlessed me.
>>>>
>>>> In some ways it's been good.
>>>>
>>>> I know I'll never be snake.
>>>>
>>>> But the pound of flesh exacted
>>>>
>>>> set up a chain of compromise
>>>>
>>>> that feels dirty to this day.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>> Douglas Barbour
>>> [log in to unmask]
>>>
>>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
>>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>>
>>> that we are only
>>> as we find out we are
>>>
>>> Charles Olson
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
that we are only
as we find out we are
Charles Olson
|