Right, here goes:
Silent snap 2
Silent snap 2
How to impress
upon someone
that silence
is not a vacuum
between interludes
of sound,
is savourable,
that silence is
what it is.
bw
10.7.14
Pushing the 'is' envelope for Doug, incorporating most of Lawrence's adviicd and adding two commas for Pat.
Bill
>
> On 9 Jul 2014, at 3:12 pm, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > Thanks, Lawrence, Doug, Pat and Andrew. Will contemplate both the advice
> and support. Silently. In noisy
> > Cairns.
> >
> > Bill
> >
> > On Wed, Jul 9th, 2014 at 12:01 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
> >
> >> I simply like it.
> >>
> >> A
> >>
> >>
> >> On 9 July 2014 02:09, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> >> wrote:
> >>
> >>> After two such learned comments I tread carefully
> >>> I enjoyed the poem but (for me it stumbled a bit reading it aloud)
> >>> Maybe I am missing summat! Line nine could be lost but also shouldn't
> >> 'that
> >>> silence' be better 'silence that' then is flows on next lines -also
> >> again
> >>> 'between interludes of chat' s could be better shorter 'between chat'
> >>> Cheers P back to sleep
> >>>
> >>> -----Original Message-----
> >>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
> >> On
> >>> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
> >>> Sent: 08 July 2014 16:26
> >>> To: [log in to unmask]
> >>> Subject: Re: Silent snap
> >>>
> >>> Hi Bill
> >>> I like this; and it's been nagging at me because, possibly with
> >> arrogance,
> >>> I
> >>> think you could make it even better...
> >>>
> >>> What about making line 5 line 4 and vice versa? It changes meanings
> >> without
> >>> contradicting your meanings. It avoids 4 sibilants "silence is
> >> desirable"
> >>> together. I *think it makes your "argument " stronger
> >>>
> >>> I don't think you need line 9. Leaving it out makes you less
> specific,
> >> but
> >>> surely that's not the most important thing.
> >>>
> >>> & finally "establish" bothered me. Sorry but it's a little bit too
> >>> businesslike for me. Best I can come up with is empathise. If it
> *were
> >> my
> >>> poem, I might go for that, odd though it might be. As it isn't my
> poem,
> >>> I'll
> >>> just let my muttering fade out with a thanks for what you have done
> >> this
> >>> far
> >>>
> >>> L
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> On 8 July 2014 12:55, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> How to create silence
> >>>>
> >>>> How to establish
> >>>> with someone
> >>>> that silence
> >>>>
> >>>> is desirable
> >>>> is not a vacuum
> >>>> between interludes of chat
> >>>>
> >>>> that silence is
> >>>> what it is.
> >>>> Savourable.
> >>>>
> >>>> bw
> >>>> 8.7.14
> >>>>
> >>>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> --
> >> Andrew
> >> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >> 'Undercover of Lightness'
> >> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> >> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> >>
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
> >>
> >>
>
>
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