I agree a lot with L Bill. At first what bothered me were the early 'is's, but they are necessary. I like 'savourable' as a term, but also think that, & here I absolutely see the necessity of the 'is,' the quietness, so to speak, of stopping there works really well...
Doug
On Jul 8, 2014, at 9:25 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Hi Bill
> I like this; and it's been nagging at me because, possibly with arrogance,
> I think you could make it even better...
>
> What about making line 5 line 4 and vice versa? It changes meanings without
> contradicting your meanings. It avoids 4 sibilants "silence is desirable"
> together. I *think it makes your "argument " stronger
>
> I don't think you need line 9. Leaving it out makes you less specific, but
> surely that's not the most important thing.
>
> & finally "establish" bothered me. Sorry but it's a little bit too
> businesslike for me. Best I can come up with is empathise. If it *were my
> poem, I might go for that, odd though it might be. As it isn't my poem,
> I'll just let my muttering fade out with a thanks for what you have done
> this far
>
> L
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On 8 July 2014 12:55, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> How to create silence
>>
>> How to establish
>> with someone
>> that silence
>>
>> is desirable
>> is not a vacuum
>> between interludes of chat
>>
>> that silence is
>> what it is.
>> Savourable.
>>
>> bw
>> 8.7.14
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Latest books:
Continuations & Continuations 2 (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=962
Recording Dates
(Rubicon Press)
would you
care to be more
precise about whatever
it is you are
saying, I said
Bill Manhire
|