Yes, Max, I was wondering about that myself - some of those lines are
extremely weak on their own. But then again they'll never be on their own.
I'll jiggle it about and see if any better form appears. Breath is one good
measure, for sure. Maybe I will try it as a prose poem - In my mind before
I started writing, I had a vague notion of a pantoum, but that closing
didn't exist until I wrote it - and I'd hate to lose it. 'Oh, the wonderful
workings of a wheelbarrow!' as my father would say.
This morning we awoke to find a SOLD sign on Rosie's house. Sad.
Andrew
On 30 May 2014 10:43, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> endorsing Bill's response, Andrew.
>
> However I confess to wondering about what readers of my stuff often say
> they question, the shortness of the lines.
> I try to imagine you reading it to listeners and to the pauses your voice
> will make as you read...
>
> Max in Melbourne
>
> On 29 May 2014, at 12:07 pm, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > What a beauty, Andrew, right to its neat closure. I did wonder about the
> line 'she didn't think' at first but seeing the later line 'she hasn't
> thought', I see how you get it right. And in fact both lines underline the
> shock phase of the grieving process which doesn't always follow the
> 'course'.
> >
> > Bill
> >
> >> On 29 May 2014, at 10:55 am, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>
> >> First poem after a long dry spell and many interruptions! All comments
> >> welcome.
> >>
> >> *Rosie's Light*
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 3.40am I stand in
> >>
> >> our front garden.
> >>
> >> Across the road
> >>
> >> Rosie's kitchen light is on.
> >>
> >> It's been on
> >>
> >> for months since she
> >>
> >> walked in one morning
> >>
> >> and found Bob at
> >>
> >> the kitchen table, sitting,
> >>
> >> resting after nightshift.
> >>
> >> Everything changed for
> >>
> >> Rosie that morning but
> >>
> >> she didn't think to
> >>
> >> turn the light off.
> >>
> >> Police came and medicos
> >>
> >> and such and by
> >>
> >> late afternoon everything
> >>
> >> was finished .
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Now it's winter.
> >>
> >> Rosie goes shopping
> >>
> >> with gloves and umbrella
> >>
> >> and nods and smiles
> >>
> >> when we say 'hello'. But
> >>
> >> she hasn't thought to
> >>
> >> turn the light off
> >>
> >> even though
> >>
> >> she's pushed his chair in
> >>
> >> and closed the door.
> >>
> >> --
> >> Andrew
> >> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >> 'Undercover of Lightness'
> >> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> >> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> >>
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
> >>
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
'Shikibu Shuffle'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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