Just wondering, Andrew, do 'you' need to be there in the beginning? Would you consider excising the first three (short) lines and cutting straight to Rosie's kitchen light?
Bill
> On 31 May 2014, at 1:42 am, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Yes, the last line works well, Andrew, & should I think remain.
>
> I wasnt so sure of earlier ones, maybe as Max says because theyre too short, but also that they are almost too story-telling, though I'm not sue how to cut through that quite...
>
> Doug
>> On May 29, 2014, at 9:13 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Yes, Max, I was wondering about that myself - some of those lines are
>> extremely weak on their own. But then again they'll never be on their own.
>> I'll jiggle it about and see if any better form appears. Breath is one good
>> measure, for sure. Maybe I will try it as a prose poem - In my mind before
>> I started writing, I had a vague notion of a pantoum, but that closing
>> didn't exist until I wrote it - and I'd hate to lose it. 'Oh, the wonderful
>> workings of a wheelbarrow!' as my father would say.
>>
>> This morning we awoke to find a SOLD sign on Rosie's house. Sad.
>>
>> Andrew
>>
>>
>>
>>> On 30 May 2014 10:43, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>
>>> endorsing Bill's response, Andrew.
>>>
>>> However I confess to wondering about what readers of my stuff often say
>>> they question, the shortness of the lines.
>>> I try to imagine you reading it to listeners and to the pauses your voice
>>> will make as you read...
>>>
>>> Max in Melbourne
>>>
>>> On 29 May 2014, at 12:07 pm, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]>
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>> What a beauty, Andrew, right to its neat closure. I did wonder about the
>>> line 'she didn't think' at first but seeing the later line 'she hasn't
>>> thought', I see how you get it right. And in fact both lines underline the
>>> shock phase of the grieving process which doesn't always follow the
>>> 'course'.
>>>>
>>>> Bill
>>>>
>>>>> On 29 May 2014, at 10:55 am, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> First poem after a long dry spell and many interruptions! All comments
>>>>> welcome.
>>>>>
>>>>> *Rosie's Light*
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 3.40am I stand in
>>>>>
>>>>> our front garden.
>>>>>
>>>>> Across the road
>>>>>
>>>>> Rosie's kitchen light is on.
>>>>>
>>>>> It's been on
>>>>>
>>>>> for months since she
>>>>>
>>>>> walked in one morning
>>>>>
>>>>> and found Bob at
>>>>>
>>>>> the kitchen table, sitting,
>>>>>
>>>>> resting after nightshift.
>>>>>
>>>>> Everything changed for
>>>>>
>>>>> Rosie that morning but
>>>>>
>>>>> she didn't think to
>>>>>
>>>>> turn the light off.
>>>>>
>>>>> Police came and medicos
>>>>>
>>>>> and such and by
>>>>>
>>>>> late afternoon everything
>>>>>
>>>>> was finished .
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Now it's winter.
>>>>>
>>>>> Rosie goes shopping
>>>>>
>>>>> with gloves and umbrella
>>>>>
>>>>> and nods and smiles
>>>>>
>>>>> when we say 'hello'. But
>>>>>
>>>>> she hasn't thought to
>>>>>
>>>>> turn the light off
>>>>>
>>>>> even though
>>>>>
>>>>> she's pushed his chair in
>>>>>
>>>>> and closed the door.
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>> Andrew
>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>>> 'Undercover of Lightness'
>>>>> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
>>>>> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
>>> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> Andrew
>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>> 'Undercover of Lightness'
>> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
>> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
>> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
> http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>
> Latest books:
> Continuations & Continuations 2 (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=962
> Recording Dates
> (Rubicon Press)
>
> would you
>
> care to be more
> precise about whatever
> it is you are
> saying, I said
>
> Bill Manhire
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