Yeh.
It needs something there.
Sardines is too many syllables
I'll creep up on it
I do like the onomatopoeiac effect of while becoming whilst
On 10 January 2014 16:38, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Like the final line, for sure, Lawrence, but wonder if you even need the
> 'whilst'?
>
> Doug
> On Jan 10, 2014, at 3:59 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > Ta
> > Rightly or wrongly, while / whilst is deliberate. I'll confer with my
> > collaborator
> >
> > L
> >
> >
> > On 9 January 2014 21:50, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> >> Like the long neck's reach, L. Not sure of that whilst sitting under
> >> while. Good to see you taking the bit (between your teeth?)
> >>
> >> B
> >>
> >>> On 10 Jan 2014, at 7:17 am, Patrick McManus <
> >> [log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> Watch out for long necked dogs!! Beyond long neck's reach??
> >>>
> >>> -----Original Message-----
> >>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
> On
> >>> Behalf Of Lawrence Upton
> >>> Sent: 09 January 2014 18:27
> >>> To: [log in to unmask]
> >>> Subject: revised poem,ta to all
> >>>
> >>> Ducks toil upon a calm ocean,
> >>>
> >>> working to stay in place; backing,
> >>>
> >>> veering, apparently serene,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> their paddling feet invisible,
> >>>
> >>> as the dog approaches, reaching
> >>>
> >>> some tidally-exposed boulders,
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> clambering its loud snorts, panting.
> >>>
> >>> Gulls hang on almost till the last,
> >>>
> >>> then wheel and screech above her back
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> while noisy fish smash through water.
> >>>
> >>> whilst ducks churn it, although taking
> >>>
> >>> themselves only a long neck's reach.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Richard Kessling / Lawrence Upton
> >>>
> >>
> >
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
> http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
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> Latest books:
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> Recording Dates
> (Rubicon Press)
>
> Swept snow, Li Po,
> by dawn’s 40-watt moon
> to the road that hies to office
> away from home.
>
> Lorine Niedecker
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