I too like it. I'm sorry; it took me a while to make time to read it.
These suggestions look good; think I'll just leave it at my liking
Slap happy everyone
L
----- Original Message -----
From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
To:
Cc:
Sent:Mon, 31 Dec 2012 21:57:39 +0000
Subject:Re: poem for crit
Hi Andrew.
I like this. The title seems a little one-sided for a concrete /
abstract exploration which engages with both flavours so vivaciously.
Some great sounds before the word music appears: sunshine, songlines,
the partial reversal of _dots_ in _stories_.
And _dotting_ going back to _dots_ anticipated by _crisscrossing_ is
a
pleasure.
Physical movements from colour to colour, semantic crossings too with
the many sides of _dots_.
I'd be tempted to put her name in instead of _my wife_ since this
poem
is by no means possessive. And _she_ for the second _my wife_.
Don't like the word _culture_ in line three, seems like a lapse in
attending. What about ___________?
I understand what you're saying with _between the gates_ but to my
warped brain there's a persistent image of her waving through the
bars
of the gates, which is odd. Maybe drop the phrase?
Ordinarily, I'd be all for _marimba_, but it particularly hot here,
scrambling the arrhythmical. Maybe drop _the grass_ in the next line
and
leave it to the fourth verse to enact the rhythmic disruption.
I really do like the last verse. The unnecessary _the car_, _Now,_
and
_y'know_ chop up without erasing what would have been a differently
attractive, smoother rhythm. (Though they do set up the final _roll_
phonetically.) Cool.
Thanks for this.
Randolph
On 30/12/2012 05:47, Andrew Burke wrote:
> Unintentional Art
>
> In sunshine on the grey cement
> songlines of silver dots
> tell the story of another culture
> crisscrossing and dotting their way
> to their own stringless music
>
> I back down the drive
> my wife in her flowing caftan
> purple against the jacaranda blossoms
> waves her arms between the gates
> like Phillip Glass conducting
>
> but the music I hear is Cage-like
> the gentle arrhythmical marimba of
> dandelion heads in the grass centre of our drive
> beating and binging on drive shaft
> muffler and axels
>
> My wife jumps in the car at the gate
> and says: ‘Now, we mustn’t forget the bank.’
> Turns to me and says: ‘What are you doing?’
> ‘I am trying to notate our drive, y’know,
> like Grainger did with a piano roll.’
>
>
> --
> All comments welcome.
>
>
>
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> 'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
>
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
>
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