How we all love to rewrite other peoples poems!!!my local poetry group will rewrite any poem anytime!
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Bill Wootton
Sent: 13 December 2012 12:51
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: snap
Andrew, I agree with the excision of the first two lines and perhaps even the withdrawal of adjectives but Sharon, don't be persuaded please to lose your line turn 'your-/self'. The dissolve works.
Cheers,
Bill
On 13/12/2012, at 1:15 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Sharon - it is already a good poem, but I just have some aspects I'd
> like to tamper with. Drop the first two lines: they are almost cliche.
> And some advectives prove extraneous and the poem would be stronger without them.
> Here's my version:
>
>
> You sit in a dim room
> holding your cat.
> Her heart beats against
> the palm of your hand.
>
> You turn the lights down.
> Windows darken to black.
>
> She gasps for life, then
> does not breathe.
> gasps again. You find
>
> you're in the hospice room,
> voices on the other side
> of the door. You listen
>
> to your mother s breathing.
> This tabby manx has kept you
> company for seventeen years.
>
> Tomorrow she will not wake you.
> *
>
> I can't write a shopping list at present, so I tamper with yours. I
> hope I don't offend.
>
> Andrew
>
>
> On 13 December 2012 02:43, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>wrote:
>
>> Caught woven the sad moments
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
>> On Behalf Of sharon brogan
>> Sent: 07 December 2012 04:18
>> To: [log in to unmask]
>> Subject: snap
>>
>> *Each day passes the next
>> like ghosts in a dark hallway.
>>
>> You sit in this dim room
>> holding your dying cat.
>> Her heart beats against
>> the palm of your hand.
>>
>> You turned the lights down.
>> The windows darken to black.
>>
>> She gasps for life, then
>> does not breathe, then
>> gasps again. You find your-
>>
>> self in the hospice room,
>> quiet voices on the other side
>> of the door. You listen
>>
>> to your mother's breathing.
>> This tabby manx has kept you
>> company for seventeen years.
>>
>> Tomorrow she will not wake you.
>>
>>
>> *
>>
>> --
>> sharon brogan
>> http://www.sbpoet.com
>> http://www.sbpoet.net
>> http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net
>> 406.578.1788
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> 'Undercover of Lightness'
> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-p
> ress-shikibu.html
>
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