Hello Sophie-Louise,

Various opportunities for compression and condensation here - for example
(and I don't claim that everything here is an improvement...):

Indian Elephant

Who towers over the plains
of Brahmaputra; hollers,
wanting to be heard -
the low shriek of a commander.

Whose black-hole eyes, small as buttons,
engulf the world as he sees it.

[why "ready to"?]

One tusk missing, one
boned and chipped -
material for ivory-men.

[I don't think you need to say "evidence of" - the evidence is presented as
evidence, and doesn't need to be named explicitly as such]

Wrinkles - signs of usage, of age
great as my naanii -
of long-suffering.

[rather than suffering *instead* of age, "long-suffering" ties them
together: old, ill-used, much put-upon]

Unseen the spine in the broad back,
the emptiness in the rounded stomach.

[this correlates the invisibility of the spine with the invisibility of the
animal's hunger; its strength with its vulnerability]

His foot slams the Earth.

[thump! I think the one-liner resonates better]

His fifth leg sways
a centimetre above the dust.

[or maybe his L - O - O - O - O - N - G fifth leg. I'm not so keen on this,
but presumably you liked the effect or you wouldn't have put it in)

The flap of his wings as he rises
to power amidst birdsong.

[breaking the long line, using the line-break to play on the ambiguity
between literal "rising" and "rising to power"]

I watch, far off. Is there
a shadow of a smile?

["a shadow of the smile he once held spreads across his soul" is a bit
wordy, I think. Also, how can you tell? Is the smile in him, or in you
admiring him? etc. - this brings the ambiguity into the foreground. Also,
"soul" is officially banned from poetry, by order of the Modernist
Permitted Vocabulary Committee of 1922. Unless you're Geoffrey Hill, but he
got special dispensation)

Charcoal grey man
still standing.

[The substitution of "still standing" for "suffering" picks up the "he
stands tall" I cut out at the beginning; it obviously changes the balance
of the piece, so that the animal's suffering is enveloped by its monumental
and enigmatic power. You may prefer to foreground the suffering after all,
but what stands out for me here is the evocation of commanding, albeit
wounded, animal presence]

Dominic


On Fri, Nov 2, 2012 at 7:49 AM, Patrick McManus <
[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> SL----Yes welcome to this gathering -I personally try to give my best ill
> informed feedback
> Greetings P
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of Bill Wootton
> Sent: 01 November 2012 22:13
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Indian Elephant
>
> Welcome, Sophie-Louise and your charcoal foot slamming poem.
>
> Bill
>
> On 02/11/2012, at 8:10 AM, Sophie-Louise Hyde <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
>
> > Hi All,
> >
> > I am a newbie to this discussion list and a poet, currently undertaking
> study as postgraduate student in Creative Writing at Loughborough
> University.
> >
> > I have been receiving emails of some of your work and thought I might
> try my hand at posting something of mine for some well-informed feedback as
> it has been fantastic to receive your work through.
> >
> > I look forward to receiving your thoughts!
> >
> > Thank you.
> >
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Indian Elephant
> >
> >
> > Towering over the plains of Brahmaputra, he stands tall.
> > He hollers, wanting to be heard,
> > a shriek that is so low in sound.
> > A commander.
> >
> > Black holes as small as buttons
> > for eyes, ready
> > to engulf the world as he sees it.
> >
> > Tusks, one missing,
> > the other, boned and chipped.
> >
> > Evidence of ivory-men come for their raw material.
> >
> > Wrinkles, a usual sign of age in my naanii, but these lines, instead,
> > a symbol of suffering.
> >
> > The spine barely visible in the
> > shape of his back, a
> > rounded stomach that appears full,
> > and yet, unsatisfied.
> > Suffering.
> >
> > His foot slams the Earth.
> > A stamp, another cry.
> > Charcoal grey man.
> >
> > His fifth leg so                L         O         N        G
>      it sways,
> > only one centimetre
> > above the dust
> > below.
> >
> > The flap of his wings as he rises to power to hear the birds as they
> sing.
> >
> > And as I watch in the distance, a
> > shadow of the smile he once held spreads across his soul.
> >
> > Charcoal grey man,
> > Suffering.
> >
> >
> > ***
> >
> > (c) Sophie-Louise Hyde 2012.
> > Blog: www.thestudentwordsmith.com
> >
>



-- 
Shall we be pure or impure? Today
we shall be very pure. It must always
be possible to contain
impurities in a pure way.
--Tarmo Uustalu and Varmo Vene