Doug's a more skilled editor then myself... so yes, I can see the
argument and go his way. For me, in my reading, the last line perhaps
stole the image that was given to myself as a reader away from me. So I
lost the image and felt a disappointment... but then on rereading more
carefully, it may simply be a case of a word change, to avoid this
closure. Perhaps the first as, in the line could go? Who knows. Anyway,
if I were not so passionate and attracted to the poem I would not, of
course, comment. I like it.
On 07/06/12 00:51, Douglas Barbour wrote:
> I like it Jill, but came to it with Chris's comment in mind,& see how that penultimate line could sound good as the ultimate one (sound that, I mean).
>
> The final line fits too, so...
>
> (alas, we had such clouds as made even trying to watch useless...)
>
> Doug
> On 2012-06-06, at 1:35 AM, Jill Jones wrote:
>
>>
>> clouds don’t matter though they are matter
>>
>> and who knows if there’s music out there
>>
>> somewhere technology shows
>>
>> its furry edge and a spectrum
>>
>> a dark spot moving upon heat out there
>>
>> somewhere it flashes on my eye I
>>
>> stare round clouds to a screen it
>>
>> could be almost perfect somewhere
>>
>> as cold and hot as others
>> ________________________
>> Jill Jones www.jilljones.com.au
>>
>>
>>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
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>
> Why can’t words mean what they say?
>
> Robert Kroetsch
>
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