I like it too, Sharon
& sort of agree with Andrew, but have no idea what the proper 'leap' would be....
I think it might be good to delete the couplet: 'with something other than / desire' -- as its grammar feels out of place with the rest. & it seems implied well enough...
Doug
On 2011-12-27, at 7:07 PM, Andrew Burke wrote:
> I like it a lot, Sharon. I do feel the last line is a bit predeictable from
> the penultimate line - I think it should be a surprise, syntactically or
> some wise, maybe 'free as ... ' or another leap (a la Bly's 'Leaping
> Poetry') ...
>
> Andrew
>
> On 28 December 2011 07:58, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> i would take you home
>> if i knew where that was
>>
>> i would take you home
>> if you knew where that was
>>
>> if your feet had roots
>> if your hair had wings
>> if we could fly
>> if we could grip this earth
>>
>> with something other than
>> desire
>>
>> i would take us home
>> if we knew where that was
>>
>> it could be right
>> it could be sweet
>> it could be the beginning
>>
>> i would take us home
>> i would plant us there
>> comb your feathers
>> groom your wings
>> set you free
>>
>> if i knew what that was
>>
>>
>> --
>> sharon brogan
>> http://www.sbpoet.com
>> http://www.sbpoet.net
>> http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net
>> 406.578.1788
>>
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
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>
Douglas Barbour
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