Thanks, Ken. Another try:
*i’ve something to show you
she said
you follow her through
the halls of the dead
into the locked room
its angels & affirmations
all the broken wings
you’re in a trance now
a mental dance now
your brain is made of snow
white out | white out
a smear of memories
across the windshield
of your mind
riding the dragon
reaching for the brass ring
riding the dragon
above the air
into the dark
stars up there
where are you going?
what do you do now?
the still-black sky
the silent streets
reproach you
riding the dragon
reaching for the brass ring
it keeps spinning past
too fast, too fast*
*
*
*
*
On Wed, Dec 21, 2011 at 3:45 PM, Ken Wolman <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> A lot here, yes. Personally I think you can dispense with the opening four
> lines ("riding...fast"). If it starts with "I've something to show you" you
> set up a great mystery, almost a quest.
>
> Ken
> --------------
> Ken Wolman http://awfulrowing.wordpress.com/
>
> "All writers are hunters, and parents are the most available prey."
> --Francine du Plessix Gray
>
>
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