Doug,
Though initially i could tolerate the second line and even admire the syntactical connections of the first everywhere to the first line and the second to the third line, I agree on reconsideration that it's redundant. Plus the overall formal benefits of cutting it entirely: 14 lines incorporating an unusual stanzaic variation on the Shakespearean sonnet. Versus the loss of the echo of the second line in the fifteenth.
Barry
On Wed, 1 Jun 2011 08:40:19 -0600, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>Yes, how much of this is persona? & is the 2nd line a bit redundant?
>
>I agree with Max about the shower stall line....
>
>Doug
>On 2011-06-01, at 3:43 AM, Patrick McManus wrote:
>
>> Sharon pain! I did wonder who's voice that of a mistress or a daughter
>> P
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