Thanks, I do agree with you re the punctuation. The trouble is, if I don't
use any punctuation then I think it might get confusing as to who is
saying/thinking what. Yes, a stupid fundamental mistake in the first
line!!!!
I did write this quickly to send off. I'll do some more work.
Cheers!
Morning Glory
----- Original Message -----
From: "Janet Jackson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, August 12, 2010 3:40 AM
Subject: Re: snap: The Mall, Maidstone
>I liked this poem, especially the dialogue, and the note about the smell,
> which puts me right there with you.
>
> If the poem were mine (which it isn't!) I'd be inclined to either add some
> punctuation,
> or get rid of all the punctuation (all the quote marks, etc). The
> half-and-half style sits uneasily in my mind. Oh and in the first line it
> should be "you're", not "your".
>
> Hope this is of some use
>
> Janet
>
> On 12 August 2010 06:48, morning glory
> <[log in to unmask]>wrote:
>
>> Well, its not totally lost. Its kind of strange because it wanders from
>> the
>> countryside and through a park and then disappears beneath the Mall.
>>
>> MG
>>
>> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Patrick McManus" <
>> [log in to unmask]>
>>
>> To: <[log in to unmask]>
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 3:55 PM
>> Subject: Re: snap: The Mall, Maidstone
>>
>>
>>
>> Our lost rivers! -London has it's share
>>> P
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
>>> Behalf Of morning glory
>>> Sent: 11 August 2010 13:40
>>> To: [log in to unmask]
>>> Subject: snap: The Mall, Maidstone
>>>
>>> 'I hope your not thinking of jumping in', she says
>>> 'No', I say, 'I'm just taking photographs'
>>> I'm wedged in the recess of the concrete stairwell
>>> looking down at a triangle of black water
>>> a shopping trolley is half submerged
>>> She is paused on the steps, a Sainsbury's shopping bag in one hand
>>> 'Look', I say, 'can you see the way the light makes patterns'
>>> It reminds me of the chocolate ripples in Viennetta ice-cream
>>> But I don't say that part out loud.
>>> 'Yes, I can see that', she says, 'but it smells so bad'
>>> 'Yes', I say
>>> 'I don't know if you know Maidstone', she says
>>> 'That's the river Len. They built this all over it'
>>> 'Yes, I know', I say
>>> The river flows beneath the bus station and the shopping centre
>>> late 70's brutalist concrete
>>> 'I was born just up the river', she says
>>> 'We used to play along the banks before all this was built.
>>> Sometimes we used to jump right in.'
>>>
>>
>
>
> --
> *Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul*
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