Maybe a Louis Simpson treatment. One of his narrative poems with objective
scenes and much ellipsis. Do you know a poem of his entitled The Eleventh
Commandment? Like that (but shorter). The feelings still come through but
they are triggered in the reader and not stated by the writer.
Andrew
On 3 June 2010 06:49, Ken Wolman <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I have a bad habit of doing reasonable endings but getting there can be a
> horror. We both nailed the weaknesses. It seems to thump along, as much as I
> tried to get flow and emphasize the emotional core rather than physical
> detail. Maybe a drawing board poem, or maybe, as I suggested, chalk it up to
> experience.
>
> k
> --------------
> Ken Wolman http://awfulrowing.wordpress.com/
>
> "All writers are hunters, and parents are the most available prey."
> --Francine du Plessix Gray
>
> On Jun 2, 2010, at 5:21 PM, Douglas Barbour wrote:
>
> > You point to the flaws you feel might be there, Ken, & I feel somewhat
> the same way: it's a strong story, but it seems too much story to me; & I
> dont know what would work for you to break that sense of prose movement, but
> something of a fragmenting might help.
> >
> > The ending you lead to is powerful:
> >
> > but Miles was surprised by a terrible grace,
> > entry into a world without pain, his thread cut not too soon but in a
> moment of accident.
> >
> >
> > maybe shorter lines would power it a bit more? & was it 'accident'?
> >
> > Doug
> > On 2-Jun-10, at 9:29 AM, Kenneth Wolman wrote:
> >
> >> VETERINARY (June 25, 2002)
> >
> > Douglas Barbour
> > [log in to unmask]
> >
> > http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/ <http://www.ualberta.ca/%7Edbarbour/>
> >
> > Latest books:
> > Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> > http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> > Wednesdays'
> >
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
> >
> > because I want to die
> >
> > writing Haiku
> >
> > or, better,
> >
> > long lines, clean and syllabic as knotted bamboo. Yes!
> >
> > Phyllis Webb
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Mother Waits for Father Late' republished available at
http://www.picaropress.com/
http://www.qlrs.com/poem.asp?id=766
http://frankshome.org/AndrewBurke.html
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