I have a bad habit of doing reasonable endings but getting there can be a horror. We both nailed the weaknesses. It seems to thump along, as much as I tried to get flow and emphasize the emotional core rather than physical detail. Maybe a drawing board poem, or maybe, as I suggested, chalk it up to experience.
k
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Ken Wolman http://awfulrowing.wordpress.com/
"All writers are hunters, and parents are the most available prey."
--Francine du Plessix Gray
On Jun 2, 2010, at 5:21 PM, Douglas Barbour wrote:
> You point to the flaws you feel might be there, Ken, & I feel somewhat the same way: it's a strong story, but it seems too much story to me; & I dont know what would work for you to break that sense of prose movement, but something of a fragmenting might help.
>
> The ending you lead to is powerful:
>
> but Miles was surprised by a terrible grace,
> entry into a world without pain, his thread cut not too soon but in a moment of accident.
>
>
> maybe shorter lines would power it a bit more? & was it 'accident'?
>
> Doug
> On 2-Jun-10, at 9:29 AM, Kenneth Wolman wrote:
>
>> VETERINARY (June 25, 2002)
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>
> Latest books:
> Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> Wednesdays'
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
>
> because I want to die
>
> writing Haiku
>
> or, better,
>
> long lines, clean and syllabic as knotted bamboo. Yes!
>
> Phyllis Webb
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