Very lovely things in this Andrew
(like Sheila, I loved catching the tree's breath). I even wonder if I prefer your original "damaged heart and dog" to your revision "dog and damaged heart"? The image of walking a heart is striking, much more so than walking a dog, and putting heart second dilutes the force of that image. And, even though damaged could technically refer to both the heart and the dog, the reader knows that it probably doesn't.
Just one thing jarred on me: the enjambment of "like // a flag at half mast." I reckon it would be better to start the last couplet with "Like."
Brian
--- On Tue, 20/4/10, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
From: andrew burke <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Snap: A Day in the Life
To: [log in to unmask]
Received: Tuesday, 20 April, 2010, 10:14 PM
My chest clenches
and I fumble in my pocket
for the Nitrolingual spray.
I’m walking
my damaged heart and dog
through the trees.
You can watch just so much
television, you can nap
just so many hours
then you itch
to do things, simple things
like stretch your legs
and walk.
I stand under a tree
to catch its breath.
A fine mist
is working its way
through dank slums
to open the way ahead.
Zimmy sits at my feet, tongue
hanging out like
a flag at half mast.
‘Come on,’ I say, ‘let’s go.’
--
As usual, all comments welcome.
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Mother Waits for Father Late' republished available at
http://www.picaropress.com/
http://frankshome.org/AndrewBurke.html
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