I love the journey of the first 11 lines, from not being able to sleep to not being able to stay awake. "He just can't stay awake any more" could mark the end of a shorter, different, but successful poem.
Not sure about the final couplet rhyming. A bit too neat, after all the unrhymed lines before?
Brian
--- On Wed, 21/4/10, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
From: Max Richards <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: snap: not snoring
To: [log in to unmask]
Received: Wednesday, 21 April, 2010, 6:41 AM
Not Snoring
'Can you not snore?' she said.
Not only can he not snore,
he can now not sleep,
not smiling into the not light,
waiting for her sleeping
to resume. If her breathing
is the least bit heavy,
he'll say it to her:
'can you not snore?'
But before that can happen
he just can't stay awake any more.
Bad news, bad dreams,
bad memories, all place her
where grief forces expression.
Harder for him to say: can
you please not weep?
you're destroying my sleep.
Max Richards
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