Thanks, Janet. Yes, it was a self-pitying moment masquerading as a poem.
I'll chop and add and chop and chip and chop and ... something will remain.
Third person is a good call - I'll try that. & no Eliot. Thanks again.
Andrew
(Yes, I'm looking after myself - and Jeanette has a short lease on me so I
can't venture far until after 10th - boo hoo.)
On 1 February 2010 11:20, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> And now, having read the other comments, I can condense mine to:
>
> 'Like Judy said'
>
> :-)
> Janet
>
> On 1 February 2010 11:18, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> >
> >
> > On 29 January 2010 08:02, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> >> I am presently trying to work this poem out. If you don't know The
> >> Hollow Men by TSEliot, it may lose a lot. And this format doesn't
> >> allow italics (for those without rich text) for the quotes. Sigh. But
> >> have a look if you will - any response is valid. And more than
> >> welcome!
> >>
> >> Illustrated History (title)
> >>
> >>
> >> For us, the faded ink
> >> whispers of a bleak end.
> >>
> >> _We are the hollow men …_
> >>
> >> Brittle bones and flawed heart,
> >> I am drained of much
> >> and live in echoes.
> >>
> >> _May this bring back
> >> fond memories …_
> >>
> >>
> > Until this point I'm bored... I'm thinking, it's another of those
> > sad-old-man poems (sorry, Andrew!) But then we get some action and after
> > this point I just love the description, especially the bouncing
> tradesmen...
> > that's so exactly right!
> >
> > Would anything be lost by starting at this point?
> >
> > Also it may be better to get rid of the Eliot bits, or maybe just quote
> him
> > once, at the beginning, if you still want that context.
> >
> > The poem is I guess examining the experience of being older and consigned
> > to the role of observer -- in contemporary suburban Australia. Would it
> be
> > more powerful to leave out the introspection? Simply to describe?
> >
> > I'm not sure whether this poem wouldn't work better in the third
> person...
> > or perhaps rewrite it from old Marcia's point of view?
> >
> > HTH, look after yourself
> > Janet
> >
> >
> >> My play is all dialogue
> >> at the shopkeeper’s door
> >> with old Marcia who sits
> >> on the padded seat
> >> of her walking frame.
> >>
> >> _We are the stuffed men …_
> >>
> >> As we talk, about weather
> >> and rising prices, tradesmen bounce
> >> out of utilities and trucks
> >> to buy choc-flavoured milk
> >> and Mrs Mac’s pies.
> >> Stained with years,
> >> the old lady sips her coffee
> >> through a straw
> >> and meditates in
> >> their exhaust. Her dress
> >> is faded and her hair grey
> >> but she likes to watch
> >> tradesmen come and go,
> >> talking of who can bat
> >> and who can throw.
> >>
> >> _Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!_
> >>
> >> Vice detectives own
> >> the shopkeeper’s son who
> >> now pushes his daughter –
> >> thin, bespectacled, thirty –
> >> towards the bar.
> >> His family history is
> >> illustrated in tattoos:
> >> Mother’s faded numbers
> >> over a triangle,
> >> his 1% MC and devil-tailed flames,
> >> and now
> >> her bluebird and red rose.
> >>
> >> _Behaving as the wind behaves
> >> No nearer— _
> >>
> >> This is the way my day begins,
> >> This is the way my day begins,
> >> This is the way my day begins:
> >> Not with a bang but the paper.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Andrew
> >> 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie
> >> bookshops - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >>
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
> > Poems Performances Workshops Courses
> > Creative, technical and corporate writing
> > Editing
> >
> > [log in to unmask]
> > www.proximitypoetry.com
> >
> > Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com
> >
> > The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
> > [log in to unmask]
> > groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
> >
> > Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
> Poems Performances Workshops Courses
> Creative, technical and corporate writing
> Editing
>
> [log in to unmask]
> www.proximitypoetry.com
>
> Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com
>
> The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
> [log in to unmask]
> groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
>
> Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
>
--
Andrew
'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie bookshops
- list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
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