Thanks, Brian, yes, that's very much what I was aiming at. I tend to like to
leave the paint to dry, then take a fresh look.
2009/9/17 Brian Hawkins <[log in to unmask]>
> I like ", the drop" for two reasons:
>
> the abrupt rhythm, coming after the flowing cadences of the first line and
> four fifths, suggests the thing described;
>
> and, with its connotation of hanging rather than suicide, paves the way for
> what follows, as well as, perhaps, alluding to the former use of the site
> for public executions,
>
> Brian
>
> --- On Thu, 17/9/09, David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> From: David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: Snap (this happened Monday night)
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Received: Thursday, 17 September, 2009, 5:23 AM
>
> I added 'do it', and commas for rhetorical emphasis but things might change
> ( I only wrote it as I posted)
>
> The event in question was disturbing in the callous way most onlookers I
> heard spoke (it was directly opposite my home btw) - I wanted to write a
> somewhat flattened music.
>
>
>
> 2009/9/16 Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]>
>
> > Good. Music of adjectives in first line, and the participles in last,
> esp.
> > You don't need "the drop" or comma(s) after "do it." Stronger without.
> >
> >
> > ----- Original Message ----- From: "David Bircumshaw" <
> > [log in to unmask]>
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2009 3:05 PM
> > Subject: Snap (this happened Monday night)
> >
> >
> >
> > For most of the damp provincial drab autumnal evening
> >> he stood on the car-park rooftop threatening to do it, the drop,
> >>
> >> as the policed public looking on sneered and joked and
> >> waited, lusting. Lusted, waiting, waited, lusting.
> >>
> >> --
> >> David Bircumshaw
> >> "A window./Big enough to hold screams/
> >> You say are poems" - DMeltzer
> >> Website and A Chide's Alphabet
> >> http://www.staplednapkin.org.uk
> >> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
> >> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
> >> Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/david.bircumshaw
> >>
> >>
>
>
> --
> David Bircumshaw
> "A window./Big enough to hold screams/
> You say are poems" - DMeltzer
> Website and A Chide's Alphabet
> http://www.staplednapkin.org.uk
> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
> Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/david.bircumshaw
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________________________________________
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--
David Bircumshaw
"A window./Big enough to hold screams/
You say are poems" - DMeltzer
Website and A Chide's Alphabet
http://www.staplednapkin.org.uk
The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/david.bircumshaw
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