Andrew, I think this one will be just fine if you stop with the '...fly by - '
Much more stunning - but maybe you want to avoid a poem that might then seem too close to Japanese-Chinese imagist conventions (?) If you were thinking of those at all!
Stephen V
http://stephenvincent.net/blog/
--- On Tue, 2/24/09, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
From: andrew burke <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: snap: february rain
To: [log in to unmask]
Date: Tuesday, February 24, 2009, 10:29 PM
unexpected rain
blackens the roads,
drivers cautious
on corners and bends.
here the mulch
darkens as the sky,
a flock of cockatoos
fly by -
daylight dampens
as quick goes slow.
i relax - a novel
or a nap? such
are the joys of
the partially employed.
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
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