Oh, I don't know... the tightened versions lose the dreamlike quality (I
live in the same city as Andrew; you get that way when it's over 32 degrees
Celsius for 16 consecutive days). Perhaps include more about the heat, which
is perhaps why "you" and Frank are in a shopping centre (that's "mall" for
you Americans) to start with -- sometimes it's the easy way to get cool.
Perhaps you could make it more Perth-specific? You could bring in all sorts
of things: all those cranes, all those freeways, all those airconditioned
McMansions...
Also, I liked the almost gruesomely painstaking detail in your original
descriptions. The way the plastic shopping bag handles cut into your hands.
Clicking "unlock" on the key. These details say something in themselves.
I do agree about the thematic problem though... what *are* you trying to
say? Frank is the key, I feel, contrasting with "Magic happens". Or if you
are trying to say precisely nothing (as most people do!) one way might be to
simply describe. Lots of detail, no pondering or musing.
Janet
PS Try Miss Maud's next time! You might find a better metaphor for the taste
of the coffee.
2009/1/13 andrew burke <[log in to unmask]>:
> I proffer this one up for discussionm - a second draft, so not even set in
> wet cement yet.
>
> *Coffee at Gloria Jean's*
>
>
>
> 'Keith the Butcher is better suited
>
> to conduct my funeral than
>
> Father Fahey,' Frank said in Gloria Jean's,
>
> the shopping centre café, coffee tasting
>
> of burnt tar, chocolate chip muffin
>
> crumbling on his off-white face.
>
> Mock-colonial windows framed smiling
>
> consumers sitting down to relieve aching backs
>
> and knotted varicose veins. 'None
>
> of that God stuff as they send me off,
>
> mate. Dead's dead, that's it.'
>
> I fore went a second cup, threaded
>
> my fingers through
>
> plastic hoops of supermarket
>
> bags, and stood to go. 'See ya, mate,'
>
> I said. 'Not if I see you first,' Frank retorted
>
> in place of wit. I waved
>
> a loose finger and headed for the car park,
>
> mentally ticking off the list as I went. Fingertips
>
> reddened and white welts pulsed as I
>
> propped the shopping against the back bumper,
>
> clicked unlock on the key and threw open
>
> the boot, thinking of the metaphors
>
> of everyday, the cryptic lyricism of
>
> an ancient tongue wriggling in the minds
>
> of late capitalist man. 'Hot enough
>
> for you?' said the woman from
>
> next door with Magic Happens on her back window.
>
> 'Sure is,' I smiled, surfacing
>
> from my reverie and dropping the boot.
>
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>
--
I'm looking for writing-related paid work! Performance (my poetry, yours or
someone else's); any kind of writing including technical or corporate;
ghostwriting; editing; teaching creative writing, poetry or performance;
selling books; literary administration... whatever. All leads appreciated.
Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
www.proximitypoetry.com (Poetry)
www.myspace.com/poetjj (Includes occasional arts & culture blog)
The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
[log in to unmask]
groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
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