Thanks, Fred. You've given me a lot to think about! "Without thematic
payoff" is particularly relevant, so thanks.
Robert, thank you, too, for that encouraging word 'interesting' - If I can
keep that element as I sharpen up others, it will succeed.
Discussion is still wide open, I hope ...
Andrew
2009/1/13 Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]>
> ----- Original Message ----- From: "andrew burke" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2009 3:27 AM
> Subject: draft for comment
>
>
>
> I proffer this one up for discussionm - a second draft, so not even set in
> wet cement yet.
>
> *Coffee at Gloria Jean's*
>
>
>
> 'Keith the Butcher is better suited
>
> to conduct my funeral than
>
> Father Fahey,' Frank said in Gloria Jean's,
>
> the shopping centre café, coffee tasting
>
> of burnt tar, chocolate chip muffin
>
> crumbling on his off-white face.
>
> Mock-colonial windows framed smiling
>
> consumers sitting down to relieve aching backs
>
> and knotted varicose veins. 'None
>
> of that God stuff as they send me off,
>
> mate. Dead's dead, that's it.'
>
> I fore went a second cup, threaded
>
> my fingers through
>
> plastic hoops of supermarket
>
> bags, and stood to go. 'See ya, mate,'
>
> I said. 'Not if I see you first,' Frank retorted
>
> in place of wit. I waved
>
> a loose finger and headed for the car park,
>
> mentally ticking off the list as I went. Fingertips
>
> reddened and white welts pulsed as I
>
> propped the shopping against the back bumper,
>
> clicked unlock on the key and threw open
>
> the boot, thinking of the metaphors
>
> of everyday, the cryptic lyricism of
>
> an ancient tongue wriggling in the minds
>
> of late capitalist man. 'Hot enough
>
> for you?' said the woman from
>
> next door with Magic Happens on her back window.
>
> 'Sure is,' I smiled, surfacing
>
> from my reverie and dropping the boot.
>
>
> --
>
>
> Wordy. Actions especially are padded and repetitive, without thematic
> payoff. Reader is not interested in looking at the central figure having a
> blank pause or merely going from here to there. Has to be tightened and
> sharpened. Here's what I suggest:
>
>
> 'Keith the Butcher is better suited
> to conduct my funeral than
> Father Fahey,' Frank said in
> the shopping centre café, coffee tasting
> of burnt tar, muffin crumbling
> on his off-white face.
> Mock-colonial windows framed
> consumers relieving aching backs
> and knotted veins. 'None of that God stuff
> when they send me off,
> mate. Dead's dead.' I forewent
> a second cup, mentally ticked
> off my list threaded fingers through
> the plastic hoops of bags, and stood to go.
> 'See ya, mate.' 'Not if I see you first,'
> Frank retorted. In the car park,
> fingertips reddened, I propped
> the shopping against the back bumper,
> clicked open the boot, considering
> the metaphors of everyday,
> the cryptic lyrics of an ancient tongue
> wriggling in the minds of
> late capitalist man. 'Hot enough for you?'
> said the woman from next door
> with Magic Happens on her windshield.
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
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