Thanks Judy,
I've tried your suggestion and also deleted the word "the" in line 3. Now
I will put it on the shelf for now as you suggest and see how it looks
later. Thanks to you and to all who have commented...rob.
On Fri, 16 Jan 2009 10:14:24 -0800, Judy Prince
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Hey, Rob. It's light you're writing about----fireflies, stars, then
> moon.
> You lead us surely and subtly to the shifts from each to each. And you
> do
> it beautifully.
> I quite enjoyed, smiled, at your taking out every 'we', but I feel that
> they
> provide a human frame for the scene, one which 'we' identify with.
> Try this for a further experiment: delete 'between times' in line 3; and
> then delete lines 4 and 7 and the first word of 8 ['after']. [You can
> always do implicit sex in other poems] You'll have to change 'merging'
> to
> 'merge' in line 6. I think all of that will strengthen an already strong
> poem.
> And I agree with you, syllable count be damned.
> See what you think after letting the poem sit in the fridge overnight.
> Judy
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