Thank you, Judy and Doug.
I forced it into a Dream Song pattern in the last two drafts with strange
results: 'tongue', 'tag', 'bonerag'', the 'ys' at the end of verses, etc.
Judy's method may be best: take out the best bits and restructure. It's a
piece I will play with or dump entirely and move on ... I have a bits and
pieces folder I call "The adventure novel of everyday life", a title
taken from Bahktin.
Anyone else wqant to chime in? Please?
Andrew
2008/12/18 Judy Prince <[log in to unmask]>
> You say you're in a creative slump, Andrew, but I don't think you're ever
> in
> any kind of slump.
> You'll recognise my slash n burn critical style here.
>
> Words, empty words, is what your poem's all about---words that don't help
> or
> heal or lend power. Following are the ones of yours that I think do. I
> hope you'll take them out, smack them around a lot [they can take it], and
> see how they cling to each other or turn their backs and choose a different
> cafe. I think they want tuxedoes, silk waistcoats, and wingtips.
> Barbecues
> with silver silverware's fine, too:
>
>
> >
> > 'Do you remember desperate times?'
> >
> >
> >
> > my tongue rang hollow
> >
> > like Saint Mary's cathedral bell
> >
> >
> > 'I am adjustable,' say shorts on their
> >
> > care tag. [this is hilarious; I'd suggest using it in a nother poem]
>
>
>
> >
> >
> > so much speech, so little meaning,
> >
> > parallelisms on rhetorical
> >
> > bars.
> >
> >
> > Pages face silently
>
>
>
> Best,
>
> Judy
>
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > Andrew
> > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> >
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
|