Dave,
A thing of beauty, poetry, poetry, oh I have missed reading poetry, but you
restart all my poetry synapses, thank God [or oneself if you're Patrick the
humanist].
'blotched fur'---yes!
alliteration in alliteration: 'options of prods, probes' and a necessary
not-allit 'questions'
sight and sound allit in allit: 'eyes, ears and silence' intro'ed and
concluded w played-'o's: 'droop' and 'told'
'furry' nights; 'blankets of together'
more allits in allits: 'trudges' ... 'mud'; 'back-scratching, bad breath'
end-stopped with a pause and drumbeat: 'prose' [jazz syncopation]
more allits in allits: 'dream' ... 'screaming' ['pot-plants']...
'creatures' ... 'remain wrapped'
sweet shock of 'back-scratching, bad breath, prose'!!!!!! [again, jazz
syncopation on the end drumbeat: BA ba ba, BA ba---BA! [I'll spare you
notation in Judy's Metric System, tho really you must become an adept]
Suggested change: Do you think this would fit; it seemed to work for me
when I tried it: In 1st stanza, add 'us' at the end of the 3rd line; then
delete 'that' at beginning of the next line. There's a subtle diff in
meaning with that change; not sure if the change'll destroy that meaning.
Thanks for the hug of childhood and the laugh of grownhood!
Judy
2008/12/7 David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]>
> There was sadness in the creatures, and blotched fur.
> We considered the options of prods, probes, questions
> but the droop of their eyes, ears and silence told
> that we were the cause of their sorrow. How furry
>
> our nights had once been, what warm blankets
> of together had once covered us, what intimacies
> of teddy-bears and dolls had the world held
> before the talk ceased to be imaginary
>
> and turned into financial reports, peer reviews,
> collusions of hadrons, long trudges in the mud
> of gossip, back-scratching, bad breath, prose.
>
> Once I woke from a dream of pot-plants screaming
> as they died at their owners' hands: yet the creatures
> remain, wrapped in their sadness, like shrouds.
>
> --
> David Bircumshaw
> Website and A Chide's Alphabet
> http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
>
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